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Discussion Beware the Shadows

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by DeathBringer125, Nov 30, 2018.

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  1. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    Hey guys in honor of the critiques I got from @spawning of Bob I am posting another story this time about another named Lizardmen character (for you to find out later hehehe). Please post what you think about the story so far. Also if you figure it out don’t post the characters name lol. If you want to you can PM telling me.
    Enjoy!
     
  2. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    Beware the Shadows

    ——————————

    Prologue.

    Silently, imperceptibly, they creeped forth. Their victims did not see them coming, did not hear them coming. The prey was simply sitting there unaware of their impending doom, the end of their advances. They sat in their crude horrid tents and around their primitive bonfire. They did not realize that they had become prey, that they were already dead. A man was taken by the shadow, without a trace, without a sound. Silence in the moonless night. Watchmen made their route around the camp, and did not return. Panic, fear, running, screaming, more people disappeared. The warriors scrambled to their blades. Darts, shadows, death from the night. Warriors rushed out to find their assailant. Shadow, dagger, the warriors were no more. Giants, demons, were summoned to face the shadow. The hail of a thousand darts quickly ensured their doom. Fire, destruction, sealed the camps fate.

    All that stood amidst the bodies and blood was a single warrior still remaining. Out of the shadows came a single creature. The warrior grabbed his axe and charged. The creature disappeared right before the warrior struck. Pain, death, a dart had been stabbed through his throat. Amidst all this chaos, only a single creature stood standing, until all around the jungle was filled with glowing green eyes.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2018
  3. Paradoxical Pacifism
    Bastiladon

    Paradoxical Pacifism Well-Known Member

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    Nice prologue! it's pretty simple, yet mysterious at the same time. Definitely how a prologue should be for an exciting story! (or so i think)

    Is this about one of GW's named characters? If so, that's pretty kewl, and if not... then it's still pretty kewl :p

    Also, I would suggest looking into the comma usage within the story. Most of it is incorrect, but that's okay. You can PM bob or anyone else and they'll be able to help with that.
     
  4. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah I usually get grammar wrong lol but a lot of the commas were added for emphasis. I picture it like it could be a video game cinematic with a narrator So the commas are added to emphasize words. If you read it out loud like a narrator it sounds epic lol.
     
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  5. Scalenex
    OldBlood

    Scalenex Keeper of the Indexes Staff Member

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    I like your stuff. I wish you posted your work in larger increments though. It's hard for me to comment on work in such small pieces. :(
     
  6. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry lol writing it in small increments is significantly easier for me and helps wrap around my time schedule lol. Also I tend to write short stories because for what ever reason I can commit to long ones. I tried writing a book and it was really good. But I didn’t even make it past first 3 chapters lol. Also next part will be posted soon. I might try and make it longer it depends on what happens.
     
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  7. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    Story

    ——————

    “My Lord! The chaos have been defeated.” The no longer alone warrior replied “Very well, we must move on to our next foes.” After hearing this answer to soldier asked “Where are the chaos now?” “The chaos have rallied at Hexoatl, the Lizardmen are under siege.”


    Fire fell from the sky, demons poured into the city, yet the Slann were in slumber. Tiktaq’to has assumed command of the armies and led squadrons of terradon riders to hunt down their foes. Unbeknownst to them, other forces had arrived to aid them. Unseen and without a trace they crept. They would not aid in the main battle for aid was already on its way.


    They approached the Pit of Sorrows, a corrupted spawning pool. The lone warrior walked into the ruined temple alone, or so it seemed. Beside the spawning pool stood a Greater Demon of Tzeentch, who was being teleported into the world as he entered. The warrior stopped and waited. The demon materialized and said “WHO ARE YOU TO OPPOSE THE CHAOS GOD’S WILL!” The warrior calmly stepped forward and said “I am Oxyotl.” The demon replied “Well Oxyotl let’s see how you do against me for I am the great Tzara’riador the Shimmering, when I am finished with you I will open a portal to the chaos realm and bring forth thousands of demons to destroy Lustria!” Oxyotl replied “To late.” Immediately thousands of darts rains from the ceiling and walls towards Tzara’riador. The demon fell to his knees and yelled “WHAT!!! NOOOOOO!!!!” Oxyotl stepped forth and said “Beware the Shadows.”
     
  8. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    That is the conclusion it’s a very small story but I like it. I plan to write another one soon. There wasn’t much info on Oxyotl so I couldn’t write much. But I made most of this as accurate as possible
     
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  9. Aginor
    Slann

    Aginor Fifth Spawning Staff Member

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    It is quite short.
    I kinda like the atmosphere you set, but it is pretty much only one scene, a brief glimpse of a story. I'd like to see it progress further.
     
  10. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    OH MY GOSH IM AN IDIOT!!! I forgot the main part I was going to add lol. When I add that it will be longer lol. I knew something didn’t feel right lol. I will probably write the rest later today
     
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  11. TheCrazyKhorneGuy
    Saurus

    TheCrazyKhorneGuy Member

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    the story is good but if you are going to write about Chaos, one, it sounds weird when you say "the chaos" imo it should be "Chaos has be defeated" or "the forces of Chaos" but anyway thats only because im a Chaos fanatic. and two, you need to know more about the lore on the Chaos gods, Khorne followers are pretty easy to understand, Kill Kill Kill!!! except for the occasional tactician. but Tzeentch is going to be alot smarter and he would know everything about everything lol. especially his Greater Demons. you should read The Realmgate Wars: Ghal Maraz, it has the stormcasts up against a mortal Tzeentch sorcerer lord, and the sorcerer lord talks to Kairos Fateweaver, the Skarbrand of Tzeentch and he is so confusingly cool! you will only understand Tzeentch if you read the conversation the twin heads of Kairos have with each other, its insane.

    what i meant by all that was the Lord of Change died way to quickly and easily, with Tzeentch, it would be like plans within plans and mind tricks and stuff

    unless it was a really really really stupid Lord of Change


    lol
     
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  12. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    I read lore and that’s how it happened. It literally said the Greater Demon dies in a volley of darts.
     
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  13. TheCrazyKhorneGuy
    Saurus

    TheCrazyKhorneGuy Member

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    ok you read seraphon lore

    that might have happened in that story but most lords of change would know what would happen
    lol

    you need to read Chaos lore. you think they are all the same kill kill kill but they are not. Tzeentch literally makes so many plans that they counter each other. he is not reckless like Khorne.

    just read Ghal Maraz and you'll see
     
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  14. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    In lore he just waltzed in and shot him. I wanted to add dialogue and make it a bit more interesting. Lol
     
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  15. TheCrazyKhorneGuy
    Saurus

    TheCrazyKhorneGuy Member

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    jeeez these seraphon loremakers really want their faction to be considered op
     
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  16. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    Hey you saw what five of them did to your bloodthirster. Oxyotl has an army lol
     
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  17. TheCrazyKhorneGuy
    Saurus

    TheCrazyKhorneGuy Member

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    i dont remember them doing much

    i remember making most of my saves
     
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  18. DeathBringer125
    Terradon

    DeathBringer125 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah but 5 still did like 5 (I think) damage. An army consists of hundred maybe thousands lol. Also this is a story forum lol no more debating lol. Also I may write the next part later.
     
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  19. TheCrazyKhorneGuy
    Saurus

    TheCrazyKhorneGuy Member

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    how many lols did you put in that message, i count three
     
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