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Fiction Black Terror

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by Kcibrihp-Esurc, Dec 17, 2015.

  1. Kcibrihp-Esurc
    Razordon

    Kcibrihp-Esurc Well-Known Member

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    The black-furred skaven was like a shadow in the tunnels, the only sign he was there was the glint of his red eyes. He traveled through the tunnel with a speed most ratmen couldn’t match at a sprint, and as he rounded the last corner the main tunnels of Fortress Rikek came into view. He passed straight through to the surface unhindered, and made his way to the River Mortis.

    He searched there several days.

    ‘At last!’ His mental cry came as he found the skeleton, exaltation rippled through every muscle and bone of his body, and he pulled Alcazidaar’s body from the sands. The long dead king still clung to the Fellblade in death. He felt the confusion of the Council of Thirteen through the device that allowed the Lords of Decay to watch and channel powers to the wielder, which they had used to direct the Nehekharan ruler to Nagash’s throne room. He replaced his third blade with it. He started turning back to the Fortress, but the jet black clouds in Lahmia’s direction stopped him. He could see them through the mountains.
    ‘Wasn’t that where Anerhet and Harneni were heading?’ He asked himself, and began sprinting towards the Darkness.


    The Council was reeling from the events currently occurring. A skaven had recovered the Fellblade, it was a momentous moment, one of the most powerful weapons ever made had been recovered. But something was notably wrong with what was going on, the ever suspicious council slumped back to watch.


    He was impossibly fast, he was horrified at how fast he ran, it couldn’t even be called flight. Scetto nearly stopped for shock as the ground just slipped past with unnatural speed. ‘My mutation must be advancing’ He thought to himself, ‘The blade might have accelerated it’ That would be dangerous, he had searched through libraries and vaults from Ulthuan, to Lustria, and had even conversed with a Lord of Change, trying to find out what he was. The only answer he had received was; “Something else.”
    He passed the mountains in a blur, and skidded to a halt atop a dune overlooking a city surrounded, and watched as Anerhet’s broken body collapsed to the ground in front of his murderer.

    He quivered in raw fury as the creature stepped callously over his friend’s corpse, and shouted to his army “Find that Liche Priest! We shall locate that vampire!” The creatures fanned out, looking for Harneni, while the monster moved through the kneeling vampires, striking them down.


    The Lords of Decay had seen too many impossibilities in too short a time. First the Fellblade had been recovered, Second they had seen a skaven run faster than a cannonball, and third, the scene before them.


    Scetto came back to his senses when he felt the hands grip his arms.
    The first sense that came back was the feeling of those arms breaking. He shrieked and tried to tear himself from the grip. And tear he did, his arms coming off his shoulders, the creature -It looked like a Nehekharan, but couldn’t be- looked at the arms it had taken, dropped them and went to grab the skaven again.

    He didn’t know Scetto could Tail fight, the Fellblade arcing down towards it. The arm it had raised was cut off cleanly at the wrist. It looked momentarily at the stump, then pulled a blade from it’s belt, parrying the cuts with difficulty. Scetto was confused by the sound of cracking bone from his shoulders, and struggled to concentrate through the sudden extreme pain.

    The creature gave up trying to kill him with it’s blade and resorted to blasting him with magic. The bolt impacted Scetto’s chest straight in the middle, and launched him flying from the dune.
    The assassin landed gently on the ground, and was surprised that he was alive. He had felt huge amounts of power surge through him, then, nothing! He looked down at the burnt fur, touched his hand against the patch. Then stopped.

    His hand. He looked in shock at his regrown arms, all he had to show for what happened was a scar on both shoulders. The thing was coming down the hill towards him, and the horned giant was looking at him curiously. Worse the other things were starting to head towards him.

    He sheathed the Fellblade and ran to Anerhet’s body, picking it up, and carrying it away from the army.
    When he was further away he looked back to the city, the creatures were following, the shining white chainmail was visible, even under the clouds.
    He ran north-east away from the creatures, and towards Cathay.


    The council was in a frenzy, they had just watched a Skaven Assassin -It was obviously an assassin- fight Nagash with the Fellblade. It was too much for the Lords to process, it was impossible, yet it had happened.

    And now, they could only watch as the blade burned it’s remarkable wielder’s soul to oblivion.

    Important Characters

    Scetto- Master Assassin, he was 'The Black Terror of Mordheim' but later hid with Thrikth's clan, Skritchvit.
    He is rapidly mutating and is the current wielder of the Fellblade that was used to destroy Nagash

    Bolisudtai- Elder god of Undeath, and all who are touched by the magic of undeath, Caster, and cast upon

    Deceased Characters

    Anerhet- A Tomb King who has split off from the rest of Nehekhara and became reclusive, left Kheba, a small settlement on the coast, with the Lizardmen when it was attacked by an Orcish horde. Destroyed by Bolisudtai
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2015
  2. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    The scope keeps getting bigger and bigger. Don't you still have a Naggarothi dragon to tame?

    You seem to be killing / have killed my next favourite characters. Off balance is me (not a bad thing)

    One tiny nag from way back is that the mixed up allies seem to be firm friends - they don't need to be besties for them to owe each other. Such diverse buddies just demands a little more suspension of disbelief. Which is weird because I just swallowed a near flying regenerating-X-Men Rat with He-Man's sword escaping a god. And I want MOAR!

    The black-furred skaven was like a shadow in the tunnels, the only sign he was there was the glint of his red eyes. He traveled through the tunnel with a speed most ratmen couldn’t match at a sprint, and as he rounded the last corner comma the main tunnels of Fortress Rikek came into view. He passed straight through to the surface unhindered, and made his way to the River Mortis.

    He searched there several days.

    ‘At last!’ His mental cry came as he found the skeleton, exaltation rippled through every muscle and bone of his body, and he pulled Alcazidaar’s body from the sands. The long dead king still clung to the Fellblade in death. He felt the confusion of the Council of Thirteen through the device that allowed the Lords of Decay to watch and channel powers to the wielder, which they had used to direct the Nehekharan ruler to Nagash’s throne room. better to split up this sentence. He replaced his third blade with it. He started turning back to the Fortress, but the jet black clouds in Lahmia’s direction stopped him. He could see them through the mountains. what about " as he turned back to the fortress he saw jet black clouds through the mountains in the direction of Lahmia."
    ‘Wasn’t that where Anerhet and Harneni were heading?’ He asked himself, and began sprinting towards the Darkness.


    Meanwhile, the Council was reeling from the events currently occurring. A skaven had recovered the Fellblade, it was a momentous moment duh., one of the most powerful weapons ever made had been recovered. But something was notably wrong with what was going on, the ever suspicious council slumped back to watch.


    He was impossibly fast, he was horrified at how fast he ran, it couldn’t even be called was faster even than flight. Scetto nearly stopped for shock as the ground just slipped past with unnatural speed. ‘My mutation must be advancing’ He thought to himself, ‘The blade might have accelerated it’ That would be dangerous, he had searched through libraries and vaults from Ulthuan, to Lustria, and had even conversed with a Lord of Change, trying to find out what he was. The only answer he had received was; “Something else.” See? Uncanny. I told you so.
    He passed the mountains in a blur, and skidded to a halt atop a dune overlooking a city surrounded, and watched as Anerhet’s broken body collapsed to the ground in front of his murderer. They were kind of combatants. in front of his killer ?

    He quivered in raw fury as the creature stepped callously over his friend’s corpse, and shouted to his army “Find that Liche Priest! We shall locate that vampire!” The creatures fanned out, looking for Harneni, while the monster moved through the kneeling vampires, striking them down.


    The Lords of Decay had seen too many impossibilities in too short a time. First the Fellblade had been recovered, Second they had seen a skaven run faster than a cannonball, and third, the scene before them.


    Scetto came back to his senses when he felt the hands grip his arms.
    The first sense that came back was the feeling of those arms breaking. He shrieked and tried to tear himself from the grip. And tear he did, his arms coming off his shoulders, the creature -It looked like a Nehekharan, but couldn’t be- looked at the arms it had taken, dropped them and went to grab the skaven again.

    He didn’t know Scetto could Tail fight, the Fellblade arcing down towards it. The arm it had raised was cut off cleanly at the wrist. It looked momentarily at the stump, then pulled a blade from it’s belt, parrying the cuts with difficulty. Scetto was confused by the sound of cracking bone from his shoulders, and struggled to concentrate through the sudden extreme pain.

    The creature evidently gave up trying to kill him with it’s blade and resorted to blasting him with magic. The bolt impacted Scetto’s chest straight in the middle, and launched him flying from the dune.
    The assassin landed gently on the ground, and was surprised that he was alive. He had felt huge amounts of power surge through him, then, nothing! He looked down at the burnt fur, touched his hand against the patch. Then stopped.

    His hand. He looked in shock at his regrown arms, all he had to show for what happened was a scar on both shoulders. I wish Lyxanda had this ability :( The thing was coming down the hill towards him, and the horned giant was looking at him curiously. Worse the other things were starting to head towards him. This is our first good view of the "things " and a possibly unrelated horned giant - help us out with more detail plz

    He sheathed the Fellblade and ran to Anerhet’s body, picking it up, and carrying it away from the army. Oh! he fell closer to the city and attracted the god's eye. - could be clearer.
    When he was further away he looked back to the city, the creatures were following, the shining white chainmail was visible, even under the clouds.
    He ran north-east away from the creatures, and towards Cathay.


    The council was in a frenzy, they had just watched a Skaven Assassin -It was obviously an assassin- fight Nagash Really? I couldn't pick that up from the description - (but I am a mostly stay at home lizard)..with the Fellblade. It was too much for the Lords to process, it was impossible, yet it had happened.

    And now, they could only watch as the blade burned its remarkable wielder’s soul to oblivion. This sounds very final :( Could it be "began burning its wielder's soul to oblivion."?

    Important Characters

    Scetto- Master Assassin, he was 'The Black Terror of Mordheim' but later hid with Thrikth's clan, Skritchvit.
    He is rapidly mutating and is the current wielder of the Fellblade that was used to destroy Nagash

    Bolisudtai- Elder god of Undeath, and all who are touched by the magic of undeath, Caster, and cast upon

    Deceased Characters

    Anerhet- A Tomb King who has split off from the rest of Nehekhara and became reclusive, left Kheba, a small settlement on the coast, with the Lizardmen when it was attacked by an Orcish horde. Destroyed by Bolisudtai
     
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  3. Bowser
    Slann

    Bowser Third Spawning

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    This is quite good! The mutation is brutally and painfully described!
    Beautiful in it's simplicity, but made me cringe at the thought of the sound effects, and the pain of having something growing out of your bones. Even if it is for your benefit!
     
  4. Kcibrihp-Esurc
    Razordon

    Kcibrihp-Esurc Well-Known Member

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    Yes, even if the something is bones!
     
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  5. Tziruzitza
    Skink

    Tziruzitza Member

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    Again, a nice piece of writing!

    It moves along at a heck of a pace; not a criticism, just a comment - my preferred writing style is a bit slower, but that's just a personal style thing. Your piece still flows quite nicely, and it works because everything is at the same pace. The only time you might need to be careful is if you slow the pace down to describe a particular scene in more detail - just make sure the change in pace isn't too sudden. As I say, though, it hasn't been a problem yet :)

    One minor specific thing:
    Not sure you need the word "evidently" in here - it's evident even without the word, and having it in feels a little too much like directing the reader's thoughts rather than just letting them feel it through the writing. Not a big thing, though, and I know I'm guilty of the same issue too!

    Overall, more please!
     
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  6. Kcibrihp-Esurc
    Razordon

    Kcibrihp-Esurc Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the feedback, I realized how silly it sounded and edited out, and the installments should keep coming, it's school holidays so I've got nothing to do.
    When you put it that way it's hard to believe. However, the X-men don't have to worry about possibly deteriorating into a Hellpit Abomination on Easter, and He-man doesn't worry about his sword burning his soul into oblivion.
     
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