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Fiction New Friends

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by Kcibrihp-Esurc, Mar 18, 2015.

  1. Kcibrihp-Esurc
    Razordon

    Kcibrihp-Esurc Well-Known Member

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    Well I've mumbled about writing a fluff piece for ages and I finally sat down and wrote it! What do you guys think?
    I've added a character/places list

    Woohoo! Heavily modified in readability! Cut out unnecessary POV changes and lengthened slightly!



    Anerhet - Kheba Nehekhara

    I sigh, and rub my shrivelled jawline, sitting alone in my small council chamber, yet another time had Ardaris turned up and slipped away just as the Tomb Guard arrived, the vampire had been a constant thorn in my side, she’d appeared up several months ago, and had been harder to get rid of than the eternal dust on my clothes! The worst part is I have no idea how she had found Kheba, or why she is even interested in tormenting me! Also, she only turned up when I’m alone or with Harneni, (My brother, most trusted advisor and personal Liche Priest all in one.) Sighing in frustration I slump back in my chair, and keep trying to think of a way to get rid of her.
    “You should check the coast, what’s going on over there might interest you.” I jump at the disturbance of my solitude and look up at her, she was tall, with high cheekbones, obsidian black hair, and slightly pointed ears, suggesting exotic heritage.
    “Can’t you at least act normal?!” She chuckled mischieviously smiling “What would be the fun in that?” she asked innocently “But seriously, coast. Now.” getting to my feet and glaring at her “If this is a trick, again, I’ll have your hide on a tanning rack” She rolled her eyes and started heading towards the door “Oh please, I’ve only done that a few times” Harneni stepped into the doorway “Make that a few dozen times, Ardaris” he said while glaring daggers at her then turned to Anerhet “Milord, for once I concur with our resident abomination, you should come see this” Sighing again I start walking to the door, “Alright, I’m going to see this thing that is so interesting that both of you come to talk to me. And Harneni?”
    “Yes, Milord?”
    “Never call me ‘Milord’ again.”
    “Certainly Sire. Need anything else? I’d better summon the Tomb Guard, and it’s finally not to chase off a Vampire obsessed with tormenting my brother!” He snarled at Ardaris who smiled seraphically at him eyes full of false innocence “Who? Me? I’m ashamed that you’d think that of me! After all, I thought we were friends…” Clearing my throat loud enough to get their attention,
    “Both of you, quiet down.” They both started to protest, “Now! And what was this I needed to see?!”
    “Apologies, Milor- I mean Sire, this way!” and left the room. Ardaris shot me a look of over exaggerated patience and exasperation before continuing after Harneni, and with more, measured, purposeful strides, I headed off after them, Tomb Guard forming up around me.


    Vasdbo - Near Kheba, Nehekhara

    I stood growling under my breath, cursing whatever Daemons brought such ill luck upon my expedition to crash upon the coast of this accursed desert, after everything had gone so well, we’d set off to that accursed jungle continent over the sea, to find something to prove to the Church and the Emperor himself that the vile reptilian monstrosities must be purged and found even more proof; Albion hadn’t been the only place they’d defiled. A small island in the middle of the sea, infested with their cancerous presence, proof that the disease that was their race was spreading, and that they would likely soon be on their shores like the Pox-Ridden Rat-Men they so resembled. But, I wanted more proof to give the Church of Holy Sigmar, something to not only show they were spreading across the Great Ocean, but that they were blind to the glory of the Empire, just like those pathetic Bretonnians that had helped take Albion from it’s rightful owners, and so we had landed and fought our way to vaults filled with stone tablets covered in hieroglyphs but none of those would have sufficed, so, ignoring them, we fought deeper into their holds. As we advanced, the vile creatures had gotten ever more determined in their defense, but the vaults had been built with only one way in and out, obviously to help them defend more easily, but as they were outnumbered and unprepared this had worked against them. Finally we found a worthy prize and escaped, but now our ship had crashed in a storm and were stranded in this Sigmar-forsaken desert, with no way out… “Sir! Something’s headed this way!” I jump, having been lost in his thoughts and turned to the lookout “Where, What is it and how many?” The lookout blinked and told me, none of which helped. “From the south-east Sir, but other than that I can’t say...” I started glaring at him and he winced knowing that this wouldn’t end well “Then go and find out!” I grated then turned on everyone else, “Everyone get ready for battle! NOW!!” then, I stalked off to get my own equipment.


    Ayltenq - Cuaqtla, Kaixilixapati

    I am tired of arguing, but my imbecilic counterparts in the meeting chamber, Boqtlan, the oldest Saurus leader of Cuaqtla and Tzaqor, The highest ranking Skink chief, were both pressing for a quick response to the unexpected aggression of the prodigals, but this was a matter which required preparation, where had they escaped to? How was the army going to get there? Amongst other matters such as supplies. This was no time for rash action, yes we had to move fast, but to charge off with no preparations? That was madness. I may not be a war person, but my ideas were much better than theirs and didn’t involve losing HALF of their attack force to lack of supplies. Rubbing his tired eyes, I went back to arguing.


    Ardaris - Near Kheba, Nehekhara

    “You know Mister Witch-Hunter, that wasn’t very smart. Wouldn’t you agree?” I looked down at Vasdbo, fair skin cracking from loss of moisture, brown hair filled with sand, and grey eyes sparkling with hate, lying on his back, coughing up blood “Sigmar take you, fiend…” he managed to wheeze. I just smiled, “Maybe next time you should think and then maybe -just maybe- you should fight. And don’t worry, the wounds are non-lethal, you’ll live. Trust me” and then I strolled off calmly.
    Anerhet and Harneni stood in amazement at the prize that the Witch Hunters had brought with them, while I sauntered up “Well well, what have we here?” I inquired, trying to act as if this happened every day “Certainly impressive, I might add... I wonder where they got it from…?” I made it a question to the pair of them “I’d say from the Lizardfolk of the jungles, I’ve seen one before, it leveled an army in the blink of an eye! Although this one is much less… alive.” Harneni glared at him for his choice of words while I chuckled dryly “Well, I guess you’re not lying about the alive part” I walked slowly closer to it “Although I do still sense power… they can’t be that common,” I turned to glare at Anerhet “What are you planning?!” I demanded. Anerhet just smiled, “Well... Now that you mention it, I don’t think they are common -quite rare in fact- so I think that with the amount of effort put into preserving this one despite an obvious lack of activity…” He pondered for a moment then turned and snapped “Harneni! Prepare the ritual of awakening!” We both stared at him, then, understanding, I burst out laughing while Harneni oggled us both as if we were mad. which, we quite possibly both were, and then nodded “Yes Mi- Sire…”


    Boqtlan - Stolen Ship, Near Nehekhara

    I was almost ready to rip someone’s arms off and beat them to death with them, I was unbelievably sick of the perpetual motion of their vessel, the fact that Goqtli and Uaxhedin both insisted that riding a Cold One should have made me accustomed to this sort of movement didn’t help at all. Growling unhappily as our vile means of ocean transport bucked beneath me again and morosely lamenting ever boarding the wretched thing “At least we’re finally moving.” groaned Tzaqor who hated their transport as much as Boqtlan “And we know where we’re going. Only about three hours before we land, thanks to Ayltenq’s magic” I looked down at the Skink Chief, and moaned “Thank the Old Ones.”


    Harneni - Kheba, Nehekhara

    The Ritual of Awakening seemed to be going normally. The one problem was that Ardaris, who apparently had set up wards everywhere around Kheba was reporting that a huge number of soldiers were coming from inland, led by an alliance of multiple Tomb Kings and that a ship was approaching from the Great Ocean, and that something on that vessel was unbelievably powerful. Now all they could do was pray that his task was as fruitful as Anerhet hoped, and that it didn’t backfire if it was…


    Vasdbo - Near Kheba, Nehekhara

    I couldn’t see their arrival, but I felt it, like a large wave silently creeping up the beach. They marched past him onwards to where the Undead had come from…


    Tzaqor - Near Kheba, Nehekhara

    I could see the place easily through the the cloudless, moonlit desert air and directed the army towards it and reported a large force heading there from inland, it dwarfed the force inside the walls and all I could do was wonder if they were allies of the small settlements inhabitants, or enemies.
    Returning to give a description on the enemy forces, and informing them that they would need to move soon, for the attacking force was preparing to burn the small stronghold, was no easy task, considering the increasing number of undead birds attacking me, in the end Boqtlan got the information, and positioned his line to charge


    Harneni - Kheba, Nehekhara

    Almost… Just a few more moments and it’ll be finished, however, now there were massive power surges as something forced the winds of magic to bend against their natural flow outside.
    Hopefully it won’t affect the Ritual.



    Ayltenq - Outside Kheba, Nehekhara

    The enemy’s attempts at magic were pitiful and were being thwarted constantly! Admittedly if you said their magic was faring poorly, than the actual combat was catastrophic, as the Saurus, augmented by our magic were ripping the skeletons apart. this probably wouldn’t have been sufficient due to the number of enemies, but then the defenders charged out of their fortress, catching the enemy in the rear, and attacking with magic of their own! The battle was already decided, it just needed to hurry up and finish and then the First could take back what belonged to them.


    Harneni - Kheba, Nehekhara

    Finished... It worked… Thank the Gods…


    Goqtli - Outside Kheba, Nehekhara

    “RETURN WHAT IS OURS!!” Both of the figures before him flinched at the power of his mental voice. I probably should have been less… forceful, for lack of a better word, but this was serious. One of the figures formed mental images of some ritual to restore the life of a mummified corpse, back to a facsimile, a strange, free willed, half-life like the one it was living. The creature, Anerhet it made itself known as then replaced the mummified human in these images with what he was looking for, The mummified body of Zlatbris, the Slann who had been watching over Cuaqtla, when The Great Catastrophe occurred, and died defending it…


    Zlatbris - Kheba, Nehekhara

    The Mage-Man-Thing helped me navigate his way out of the temple, which so resembled those distant pyramids I knew, but had half forgotten. I somehow knew this was a momentous hour, but couldn’t place why, surely another Slann hadn’t consented this, and how could they have lost his body, the idea was blasphemous, a Relic Priest was sacred, I could remember that as well, but not from where. Why couldn’t I remember these things? All I could piece together was that I had died, had been preserved as a Relic Priest, and now, brought back somehow.


    Tzaqor - Outside Kheba, Nehekhara

    I was forced to dive madly to avoid the creatures that suddenly were assailing me, and fly as fast as possible to warn Goqtli of the coming army knowing that there were too many opponents, I’d seen a massive horde marching from the north, not undead this time but Orcs, thousands of Orcs, obviously drawn by the magical power emanating from Goqtli and Zlatbris, probably how the undead -Tomb Kings, they called themselves- had found this place as well… But that wasn’t important, what was important was retreating as fast as we can, possibly with their new allies…


    Boqtlan - Stolen Ship, Near Nehekhara

    Lovely not only am I seasick, but have to put up with the stench of our new ‘friends.’ Just what I need.


    Anerhet - Stolen Ship, Near Nehekhara

    “Well, at least our new allies aren’t boring.” Harneni chuckled and answered wryly
    “And I think we’ve finally managed to ditch Ardaris, I haven’t seen her once throughout the entire voyage! I guess this turned out very well!” I hid my smile carefully behind my hand as Ardaris crept silently up behind Harneni “Well Harneni,” I could barely suppress laughter while saying this “I think you can guess again.”
    I will always treasure the look of dawning horror Harneni gave me.

    Important Characters:


    Goqtli- A Third Generation Slann in charge of the Kahoun of Cuaqtla


    Boqtlan- The lead Oldblood of Cuaqtla, has the blessings of Itzl, Quetzl and Tepok and is revered by the inhabitants of Cuaqtla as a great leader, when it comes to war Goqtli himself listens to him, rides a Cold One


    Tzaqor- The highest ranking Skink Chief of Cuaqtla, in military second only to Boqtlan he even outranks most Saurus as he is very good at the positioning of troops in battle, rides a Ripperdactyl


    Ayltenq- The High Skink Priest of Cuaqtla, he is detail intensive and knows of all three priestly lores but has a short attention span and dislikes concentrating on casting more than one lore a battle and Goqtli dislikes taxing him so lets him contribute the amount he does


    Anerhet- A Minor Tomb King who has split off from the rest of Nehekhara and become reclusive


    Harneni- A moderately powerful Liche Priest and brother of Anerhet


    Ardaris- A Vampire who has taken an interest in Anerhet and she has been almost impossible to get rid of, much to Anerhet's dismay!


    Vasdbo- A Witch Hunter who has dedicated his life to showing the Empire that the Lizardmen are not only vile creatures (E.G not Human or Dwarves (Not including Brettonnians or the Norse or Chaos Dwarves or anything that isn’t the Empire or the Normal ‘Good’ Dwarves)


    Important Locations


    Kheba- Anerhet's Retreat on the coast it is close to the jungle and far from the attentions of other Tomb Kings yet somehow Ardaris has managed to find it! Razed by an Orcish horde

    Cuaqtla- Located on the island of Kaixilixapati this Kahoun was created as a place to store knowledge and as a focal point for the geomantic web


    Well, I look forward to your replies on this!
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2015
  2. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    Re: My First fluff piece!

    Woohoo, things just got complicated.

    If I have got this straight, we now have lizardmen on boats with some tomb kings (who bought their survival by reviving a Slann relic priest) and a leprechaun-like vampiress. What can possibly go wrong?


    I'm not doing this poll, partly because there are no simple answers but...
    Q. Should I keep writing?
    Yes! Please! It's amazing!
    Sure, you're okay
    Don't mind
    Probably not
    No! NEVER AGAIN! The Moderators should delete this post!

    ... The fishing for compliments / abuse format of your answer options won't tell you what you want to know. The other reason is that I don't know how to set up a poll and I am jealous of your L-O skillz.


    The free text answer is "Yes Please!" for two reasons.
    * The ideas are really intriguing - I want Moar.
    * There are some readability and followability issues that will get better the more you write and the more that you get used to the forum interface


    Instant feedback:

    * Go back and insert spaces between paragraphs and lines of dialogue - there! 100% clearer already.
    * Your spelling and grammar are well above average. Just a few more apostrophes, and it will be perfect.
    * I think I might need a list of characters with very brief bios to help me keep track - I counted about a dozen, and I'm sure Scalenex hopes that they will be recurring characters because nobody has died yet. Worse still, one came back to life, practically banning you from the Klodorex Hall of Fame. Don't give their life history. Name, role description, where from, important relationships - eg. brother of ... creepy stalker of ...
    * Consider re-titling the thread (and getting a mod to kill the poll header). A nice teaser or descriptive title to get more readers started. Once you have them, they should be hooked.


    Moar. Now. Go.
     
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  3. Scalenex
    Slann

    Scalenex Keeper of the Indexes Staff Member

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    Re: My First fluff piece!

    When you create a new topic, there is an option to create a poll. There is a space for the poll question, then you...you know what, nevermind we are switching to a new forum server in less than two weeks.

    Your piece is quite well considered that you are fourteen. My pieces were crap at fourteen compared to yours. Please drop the polls, they are not that helpful. The polls give little options other than sweeping praise or horrible insults.

    Like all written pieces, this has good and some stuff that should be improved. Good Stuff: The characters have well developed personalities. The imagery is good. You raise a level of suspense.

    Room for Improvement: Spacing between paragraphs and dialog would make this easier to read. The story has a lot of characters so I would divide this into three parts with appropriate headings to differentiate the Lizardmen party, Empire party, and Tomb King parties from each other. Since you have so many characters, a brief character guide at the front might be a good idea. Anaheret, Tomb King ruling _____. Harneni, Grand Liche Priest of _____
     
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  4. Slanputin
    Carnasaur

    Slanputin Well-Known Member

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    Re: My First fluff piece!

    Good good, you should always act out on your mumblings: I often mumble, and it teaches me not to do so.

    However, I do like the Undead despite not owning any (unless you count Daemons insofar as they're not alive in any traditional sense) and have thought that the Relic Priest connection would be an interesting connecting piece to mine. So damn you for getting there first.

    Some critique, if interested:

    To echo some of the above comments on the poll - comments are always better for critique as polls are generally reductive. Some of the possible answers also tug on my sadistic side, and we don't want to encourage trolls. Plus, I don't like polls because I compulsively have to answer them. I managed to resist this time.

    Be careful with long running sentences as they can seem to run on and lose their focus because they run on and don't give the reader time to break and digest what they read and thus the reader also loses their focus because the sentence runs on, even when inter-spaced with commas. Although, it can actually be used for effect, so they can be useful in context. Ahhh writing, such a fickle mistress. Anyway, I generally work with the rule that a broken-up paragraph of shorter lines is better than a solid chunk.

    I really like the core concept of this piece, you have my interest! Please keep it up :)
     
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  5. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    Re: My First fluff piece!

    Fourteen? Years?

    Yeah. He is doing OK.

    e32334.gif
     
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  6. lordkingcrow
    Temple Guard

    lordkingcrow Active Member

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    Re: My First fluff piece!

    You remind me of... well, me at your age, only with more confidence in your written work. I never would have thought of putting my work out there for critiques and feedback on a forum full of strangers. Kudos for being so brave. I can see the story is there in your mind and you are enthusiastic in wanting to get it out there and get some feedback. I hope that, with all of our comments, you keep in mind that writing is something that you will continue to grow in.

    I agree with the rest on the poll issue. You will get so much more from comments than a brief answer. If you want to become a better writer, look for feedback and never settle for people that only give you positive answers. Push them to push you.

    That being said, most things have been addressed already (run on sentences, grammar, the works), so I'll make a few suggestions that have helped me.

    After you write a story, don't post it immediately. Take a break, go get some fresh air, maybe even sleep on it, then come back and go over it. You will come at it with a new frame of mind and you will be able to edit it properly. It's always exciting when you finish a story, but just know that the work isn't done yet.

    Find someone that you trust that has a solid foundation in writing and grammar. They can help point out flaws in your writing that you may not have been aware of.

    Accumulate a handful of readers that will give you honest feedback. (That could be us if you don't have anyone like that :D ).

    Lastly, just write. The best advise one of my profs gave me in college was pretty much those exact words. So simple, but so helpful. Finish a story, make it complete, then write something else. This is the only way to get better. Just like running (or any sport, craft, etc...). You're not going to wake up one day and run a marathon. You build up to it. You create a foundation and slowly work up. Some people are naturally gifted and have some foundation already, others start from scratch. I can tell that you have some natural talent, but now is the time to hone that skill.

    Keep at it! I am excited to see what you else you come up with.
     
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  7. ravenss
    Skink

    ravenss New Member

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    Re: My First fluff piece!



    Im fourteen too. Well, almost fifteen if that makes a difference.

    Granted, It isn't exactly broadcasted, but hey.
     
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  8. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    Re: My First fluff piece!

    I'm 14 too! (About to turn 44)

    It will be a sad day when us youngsters turn away the hobby and start chasing girls.
     
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  9. Kcibrihp-Esurc
    Razordon

    Kcibrihp-Esurc Well-Known Member

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    Re: K-E's Fluff Piece & Character/Places list

    Thanks for the advice guys, though I'm not sure what's up with bob...
    Anyway, I want to ask about what I should do next, cause I've thought about doing backgrounds for my characters but have a lack of inspiration, do you guys think I should do that, and which characters?
    Is there any ideas for the next fluff piece?
    P.S Please PM these to me not post them, NO SPOILERS
     
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