Discussion The Story Of Acattopa'Cocotona-Cocoxqui - my first story, the 1st 2 chapters - C&C appreciated. WIP

This story is primarily the back story of my Seraphon army before AOS takes place. The main characters are a Oldblood, a lustrian medical plant smoking star priest (both appearances based off my models) and a Chotec worshipping Skink Chief after a sacred weapon and the fight against skaven and an empire expedition to Lustria. This is my first attempt at writing any type of warhammer let alone fantasy story. Chapter two and the Character Dax are made and the chapter written by my friend Avi, with permission I have added it and made my own, he knew the purpose before contributing. Everything else has been written by me.

With that said, I am very excited and nervous to share this story which Ive worked hard on. I would like your thoughts and C&C on it, any loop holes, anything. I am hoping to tie it into AOS sometime after I understand the lore better and where the Seraphon reside in the lore. If anyone has any reading suggestions for me thayd be great! The ending is a work in progress.

I am also working on a short story called "The Thunderlizard and the Priest" which i hope helps to explain how a Star Priest (hoping to grow him into a seer if possible) can control a Thunderlizard.

Thanks, I hope you all like it! I will release it in Chapters, the first 2 here!

Chapter 1

"Cohort of Poisonous Mists"

The Cohort led by Acattopa'CocotonaCocoxqui, an ancient Oldblood, from the Temple City of Texcoco is integral to the fight against Clan Pestilence and Nurgles Hordes as they are virtually immune to Posion and Disease. Specializing in Shock warfare, Acattopas army is the spear head of any assault breaking enemy battlelines. Often the cohort is shadowed by the Lustrian medicual plant smoking Star Priest Itzli-Citlalli who rides atop one of the few Thunderlizards, and only one to be hand reared by any being.

During the first invasion when many spawning pools were being desecrated by Clan Pestilence, pools in the Temple City of Texcoco in the Mosquito Swamps in particular produced thousands of saurus who came out sickly and died within minutes in anguish. This happened for months with the Skink Priests having no effect in purifying the pools, until one Priest cried out in a hallowing anguished roar to Sotek and Quetzel, begging them to purify the pools. Almost immediately after the jungle behind the priest came alive, swarms of serpents and reptilian jungle birds with feathers emerged. The serpents entered the pools, glistening in Godly light like diamonds, each snake unleashed its venom into the pools. The birds called out as they flew overhead, feathers of Quetzel fell radiating down into the pools as well, adding to the purifying power. The Skink Priests watched in awe and waited to see what would happen. The pools started to change from a diseased green color to vibrant colors of life that glistened in the sun like the celestial creatures that aided the defenders. In what seemed to be days but was just minutes, one large saurus emerged. Roars and growls could be heard from the menacing venom laced jaws. Being spawned with the knowledge of his kins pain before the Great Purifiying adds to his resolve to destroy all Skaven as the Old Ones demand.

This first Saurus, an Oldblood, marked for greatness was given the name "Acattopa'CocotonaCocoxqui" or translated in lesser tongues "The First to Destroy Disease". Spawned with obsidian black scales with ascending shades of purple on his back, he was blessed with two weapons: The Great Macuahuitl of Sotek and the Golden Axe of Quetzel.

The Macuahuitl of Sotek's obsidian blade was dipped into the pools after The Great Purifying blessing it. These blessings on the weapon made ot indestructible and the venom of Sotek which can infect any enemy causing side effects the longer the enemy is alive in battle. A fallen feather of Quetzel fell infront of the Star Priest Itzli-Citlalli and was adorned onto a single handed Golden Axe granting its wielder greater physical resistance and the ability to seep the life essence from the enemy, healing wounds.

Shortly after these weapons were bestowed upon the great Saurus another swarm of glistening serpents of Sotek entered the sacred space followed by a roar that made the ground tremble and pierced the sky, a Troglodons call. A large sailless and brightly covered Troglodon approached, a Matriarch followed by a black and blue bull with spikes coming from its legs and tails end. Walking directly up to the Oldblood, as if it knew his taste in the air, the beast flicked its tongue and nudged the saurus with its head. Skinks rushed in with spears and javelins, immediately the Troglodon turned around sensing the vibrations readying its corrosive spray when a single command was issued "Stay your ground(find lizardmen translation)" and both groups immediately stopped. Acattopa walked infront of the giant lizard, gently running his claws down its scaly hide to its head and softly says "This is Metzlitlaco, blessed by Sotek and given to me for battle, my blood is her blood". From that day forth the Oldblood and his Troglodon have ended the lives of many.

The spawning pools of Texcoco now intact are producing saurus savage in strength with scales that are brightly colored and physically resilient like steel. The spawns mimicing the first of their spawn, Acattopa in all his attributes and strengths. The Warbringer is now readying his cohort and legions, looking ahead at a long costly war on the horizon. He seeks out all that pillage the jungles he is sworn to protect and will not stop until Clan Pestilence and its hordes are defeated.

During that age of great battles, Acattopa was apart of the first battle for Quetza. After Clan Pestilence was driven out of the city the Cohort returned once more, charged with protecting the city due to their immunity to the skavens infectious arsenal and for their physical resilience. The Cohort lead by Acattopa, fought against the hordes of rat men for months upon months upon being attacked. After hundreds of skirmishes and major clashes within the Temple City and the surrounding jungles and swamps, the Oldblood and his Cohort were overrun and made to retreat back to their Temple city of Texcoco or lose everything.

Before being able to fully retreat, a large force of plague monks and skaven slaves burrowed up from below and cut Acattopa and his elite guard off. The fight was fierce, with each swing his blessed weapons seeped venom into enemies and stole life from the foe while his guard tore apart plague monks and the rat slaves that stormed them.

Slowly those who were struck by the Oldblood's macuahuitl started to see things that were not there, going mad fighting Saurus and Skaven alike. The blessed venom was working, soon those who were infected slowed down with labored breathing while still seeing horrid visions. They then started to swell in their limbs, then their abdomen. Lumbering back into the Skaven ranks crazed and panicked they erupt into acidic debris amongst their own. For that was the true power of the venom: If it comes in contact with a warmbloods blood it becomes acidic and infects, making the victim a living bomb of acid and gore after moments; inflicting unrelenting damage among the enemy ranks. However, even with his blessed weapons and his Elite guard the numerous horde start to take ground as Guard after Guard fall, Acattopa gives out an echoing call heard by the reforming lines of his army in the jungle.

As the last of his guard fall to the Skaven numbers the Skaven leader Arose from the ranks, Squiggel Squabblewiskers, and charged at the Oldblood with great accuracy and furry almost subduing the exhausted saurus. With a swing of his razor sharp axe Acattopa regained his composure and pressed the attack onto the enemy. Swing after swing, pure strength and rage met diseased blades blow for blow until finally the Corruptor sliced the arm deep of the Oldblood forcing him to drop his great macuahuitl. Right as hope seemed lost a mighty host of Kroxigors and Red Crested Skinks bellowed into the fray, followed by Ancient Stegadons and Ripperdactyls tearing through the ranks. Acattopa trying to find his weapon in the chaos sees the Vermin Lord scurrying away with it. The great Saurus gives out a most enraged roar as the rat lord is lost amongst the mass of fur closing in to fill the gap in ranks lost to the Lizardmen charge.

Forced to retreat to save any hope of recovering Soteks Blessed weapon, Acattopa returns back to his Temple City of Texcoco with the remainder of his Army. A burning need for revenge lives within the Saurus, he yearns to return to that city and reclaim what is his, what Sotek bestowed upon him.

Chief Daxikir-Kai’ataxaqua

Chapter 2

Monument of the Sun and a march to Ruins

The Monument of the Sun is a relatively small temple city that is bathed in constant daylight. Night time never claims this city, and the sun grants it power to some of the most potent defences. During the war, the stripped down garrison was scarcely overstretched on the walls because of the layout and location of the city, and due to the sheer power of the arcane machines which assisted them. With tunnelling nigh on impossible the Skaven died in their thousands even trying to get to the walls, being turned away each time.

However, the rats devised a plan, they would starve the lizards of the sun. Too few to sally forth, the cold blooded defenders could only watch as the Skaven constructed their vile machines, belching a warpstone laced smog into the atmosphere that coalesced around the city, not toxic to breathe, not limiting immediate visibility, it shrouded the sun, pushing the city into a murky twilight. As the city's power waned, another tide of filth struck.

Ultimately, to prevent the Skaven from obtaining the powerful technology which guarded the city, the lone, over-taxed Slann channelled his last into a spell not unlike the Deliverance of Itza, severely damaging the city, killing the Slann, most of the defenders and almost all the attackers. The garrison remained, unable to deactivate the machines, or call for help, the city remained in an uneasy stalemate for years, running skirmishes with the Skaven survivors preventing any sense of security and hope from building. The jungle had begun reclaiming the land, before Daxikir arrived with an army of hundreds, enough to drive the remaining rats from their holes and allowing their contraptions to be dismantled. Light once again rained down, and the city began the task of reconstruction. The Monument of the Sun has become a favoured site for Daxikir's sacrifices due to its unique solar connection, small size and easily defendable nature.

At the summit of the ziggurat, on a small rectangle platform, a warmblood, frail and weak from starvation, was limp in Daxikir's hand. Holding it by the throat, he analysed it, judged it. An elf, maybe, long dark hair and pale skin. Warmbloods liked their labels, their titles, and this one had spat many a threat at the unimpressed skink before he had landed a sharp blow to the chest with his fists. 'A Black Guard of Naggarond'? Perhaps that did mean something, somewhere. But not here, on the altar of Chotec, in the hands of his champion, there was only the sacrificer, and the sacrificed.

Pinning the elf's head to the stone sacrificial table, Dax let his gaze follow the scorching column of light that reached up into the heavens from the centre of the Ziggurat. The light hurt to look at, but it never failed to enthral Dax, to make him feel calm, almost calm. A grunt and a cry of defiance snapped him back to the moment, as the elf began to struggle again, kicking and clawing. It was almost inconvenient.

Still firmly grasping its head, he started to drag it towards the light, stepping over the rock surface which was encrusted in the blood of countless other sacrifices. The heat became scalding, Dax felt only a sedate healing aura, but the elf began to shake and writhe as burns spread across its body. Finally, with a single callous motion, the elf was hurled into the light, body disintegrating, screams being drowned by the roar of Chotec’s light.

Dax turned away, but immediately felt himself gripped by a giant hand, his body convulsed, weapon dropping to the floor as he was torn from the ground. Chotec’s visions were seldom a serene experience, and Dax was bombarded with a seemingly nonsensical mix of images, words and sensations. It was as if a moment and a year had passed, when Dax dropped back to the floor, smoke rising from his body, as one word stood out above all others. Quetza.

Somewhere north of Tlaxtlan Dax gently raised his hand, the Lizardmen cohorts, as one, stopped. Marching through the thick undergrowth of the jungle, it was the middle of the day, but dark, scarce light could penetrate the thick canopy. The trees above and to the front began to shake and rustle, as Dax straightened his back, red crest extending, both expectant and confrontational. A lone terradon descended, coming to a stop some metres in front of the Chief, the winged reptile shuffled forward slightly as its rider, a clearly young and rather flustered looking skink, dismounted. Dax, standing fully upright, raised his head back as he eyed the newcomer, who spoke, ‘Chief,’ the messenger bowed slightly, ‘I fly from Texcoco, the Honoured Elder Acattopa'Cocotona-Cocoxqui, summons you to the city, he wishes your army to join those of Texcoco, to retake Quetza.’

Still silent, Dax swung his head left to right, inspecting him with his right eye, then his left, ‘Fly back, I bring my Cohorts to the Ruins of Huanabic, beneath the Daystar,’ he spoke, tersely, 'I expect to see your master there.'

'Chief...' The messenger trailed off, 'Skaven have assaulted our forces repeatedly, perhaps it is safer if we march from Texcoco together-' Dax cut him off with a short, sharp hiss.

'I march my armies through my jungle, young one, Maz'itza have mercy on any Xa'kota who thinks they can stop me from doing otherwise,' Dax's voice dripped with disdain, as he gestured for the messenger to leave, 'The Skaven one day will realise, I am a lot scarier than they are'. Waiting as the young skink hurried back to his terradon, Dax turned back to his column, an eclectic mix of saurus, skink, bastiladon, stegadon and many more. Swinging his macahuitl in the direction of their march, ‘Chotec Goq! Chotec Gar!’, he bellowed in his deep, grating voice, a call returned in unison by his troops.

The march continued.

 

Amazing stuff! I enjoyed the story especially with the sacrificial bits. Very grimdark

imo, I would suggest separating the dialogue from other lines. Mixing dialogue with other lines can be pretty confusing. Like here:

It took me a bit to discern who was talking in this instance. In many others too.

Also, you can give each chapter its own post in order to get more likes for your story (can help with pacing as well). I do that and it works

Anyway, nice work on your first warhammer story!

 

Points taken! Maybe ill edit a bit and take some chapters out as theyre all done (sorta) and implement your suggestions! May also get more ppl to read it as it wont be so long and daunting. Yeah thats a good plan, will give me time to add to chapters if i want also, as you said.

Glad you enjoyed it!