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Discussion Lizerd’s children’s books.

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by Lizerd, May 31, 2019.

  1. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    disclaimer: never show these to your kids.

    Book one: the very hungry carnosaur (a repost from just for laughs)
    “The very Hungry Carnosaur” with reviews from imperial soldiers


    “You mean those lizards got f***ing dinosaurs?!” -mark, deceased

    “I really need a raise...” -John, deceased

    “Shhh.. it can’t see you if you stay still” Fredrick, deceased

    “that monster ate my entire platoon” Herman, went missing 5 years ago


    One day, a carnosaur woke up and it was very hungry. It saw some stupid rat men, at least a dozen of them. It ate them all, and it was hungry.


    The carnosaur decided to move on, and it encountered an imperial expiation. It made short work of them and ate the, all. It was still hungry.


    Then the carnosaur saw a village, and it ate them all. It left nothing but blood behind and it was still hungry.


    The carnosaur then encountered a huge city. After quickly devouring the defenders the carnosaur ate everyone. finally the carnosaur went home and had a nice nap.


    Now with reviews from parents!

    “WHY DID YOU INCLUDE IMAGES?!”

    “My child can’t sleep anymore”

    “I think my kid needs therapy”
     
  2. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    Book two

    The very Hungry Dread Saurian
    A sequel to the highly acclaimed book the Very Hungry Carnosaur.


    Reviewed by various important figures

    “Who the hell thought this would be a good idea?!” -Lord Kroak

    “The lizard made me do, it I swear, he is holding me hostage, please get a swat team” -Lizerd, the author held in a secret facility

    “That thing ate more than my family. It ate everyone in a 5 mile radius” -Brian

    “Whoever wrote this is a genius” -Tehenauin


    One day the dread saurian woke up. The world held its breath in terror.


    The very hungry dread saurian ate a village, killing every man, woman, and child, in fact everything that dared to move was consumed. And it was still hungry.


    Then the very hungry dread saurian spotted a city. And it ate them all, not a single soul was left alive, rats, birds, humans, everything was devoured, And the dread saurian was still hungry.


    Next the dread saurian saw the mightiest city in the empire of man, millions of inhabitants. Nothing was safe, blood soaked the streets and the rivers ran red. The city was silent.


    But at last the slann, realizing the danger the world was in, wove a spell and put it to sleep. And the dread saurian was soundly asleep.


    Until it is woken up that is.


    With more reviews from parents


    “How the hell is this in the children’s isle.”

    “There is literally blood dripping from the book.”

    “I saw this thing once, now I am alone, so very very alone.”

    “The images got even more graphic. What the hell is happening here.”
     
  3. Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl
    Skink Priest

    Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl Well-Known Member

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    Is it going to be a trilogy? :D
     
    Paradoxical Pacifism and Lizerd like this.
  4. ravagekitteh
    Carnasaur

    ravagekitteh Well-Known Member

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    To be honest, these can’t be much worse then GW’s own efforts:

    3E92C11B-97C4-4E8B-807B-94BA4E8FF02F.jpeg

    Come on kids, learn to make friends, share, and PURGE THE HERETICS!!!!!!!
     
  5. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    Very likely, I think the next thing I will be up to is something with a kroxigors or other large lizards.
     
  6. Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl
    Skink Priest

    Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps the Very Hungry Thunder Lizard?
     
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  7. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    Now THAT is a good idea.
     
  8. thedarkfourth
    Temple Guard

    thedarkfourth Well-Known Member

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    The Troglodon Who Came to Tea.
     
  9. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    Yet another thing to work on, this is definitely a good one.

    Expect some stuff over the weekend as I still have school.
     
  10. Vedras
    Saurus

    Vedras Active Member

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    Please remove if deemed not appropriate.

    Not intended to offend, just my sense of humour coming out a bit.

    Replace "Kitten" with "Skink"

    upload_2019-6-4_12-56-19.png
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019
    ChapterAquila92 likes this.
  11. Vedras
    Saurus

    Vedras Active Member

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    On a -franctionally- more serious note:

    "Cold Ones/Saurus love underpants" could be fun.

    upload_2019-6-4_13-7-50.jpeg
     
  12. Scalenex
    OldBlood

    Scalenex Keeper of the Indexes Staff Member

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  13. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    Cool, want some signed copies?
     
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  14. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    Okay this is way over due:
    The Troglodon that came for tea

    The now veteran author of two great children’s books, Lizerd returns for a third time, “The Troglodon that came for Tea”


    “Oh sigmar, please save me, oh shi-“ last words of an imperial soldier

    “I met this thing once, with some comrades, now it’s me and some sizzling piles of flesh, dissolved by that acid.” -Elven soldier

    “No, there is no way I am fixing that things teeth. I am not getting in that mouth.” -Skink Dentist

    “Wait you mean Lizerd got out of his holding cell?” Lizerd’s pet Lizard.


    Once upon a time, in a rainy rock called Brettonia, a Troglodon, sent by the lizardmen stopped by. It had traveled the old world for a while now and wanted a nice drink. In the distance it heard people, so that night it snuck into town to get a better listen. What it heard was fascinating.


    Literally everyone in town was losing their shit about some leaves put in water. The Troglodon could not figure out the cause of this calamity, so it marched in, and proceeded to kill literally everything. People were trampled, stomped on, or eviscerated by the Troglodon’s claws and jaws. Then there were those who literally got melted. Suddenly, by sheer luck, a man with his rib cage sliced in half fell next to a barrel and filled it with his blood, and soon after some tea leaves gently floated into the blood. The Troglodon went over and started drinking, it was very good. So then it brought back this strange drink to lustria, where it became very popular.


    Critics

    “I am telling you, this stuff is not for children” literally anyone with any common sense

    “This leaf blood is delicious” Tehenhuain

    “Mmm.. blood water” Kroq Gar
     
  15. Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl
    Skink Priest

    Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl Well-Known Member

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    Well that's a new way of comedically telling the origins of tea...
     
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  16. Aginor
    Slann

    Aginor Fifth Spawning Staff Member

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    Ok that's definitely awesome enough to make a comment on it my 10,000th post.
    Well done, I had a good laugh there! :)
     
  17. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    You honor me :) I am glad that it got some laughs
    My next story will probably be “The chilly Cold One”
     
  18. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    “The Chilly Cold One” another book written by Lizerd who is NOT being held hostage and is DEFINITELY not being used as a sacrifice.


    As always, reviews from parents and the like

    “Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to put napalm in warhammer?!” US army veteran from Vietnam

    “Worst. Day. Ever.” Lord Skrollk

    “Like, I nice guy” Kroq Gar

    “When will I get a story?” The grouchy stegadon


    In the far off lands of Norsca, Kroq Gar and his armies were on campaign, killing and burning all. But Norsca is cold, especially for lizards. With the battle over Kroq Gar looked over to see a cold one, shivering in the snow. He thought for a while, his mind accustomed for battle came up with one solution. Skaven Pelt banners were not effective enough to keep them warm, so Kroq Gar had a better solution. In war he knew how to burn. Kroq Gar had a very good idea.

    “Torches, oil get.”

    A living Norscan, climbing over the bodies of his mangled and dead comrades saw the saurus and skinks lifting torches. Kroq Gar heard the man say a string of rude things as it went up in flames. So the army was kept very warm as the bodies of thousands went up in smoke. After a few moments the chilly cold one stopped shivering.


    And they all lived happily ever after, purging rat spawn from the world


    Now for critical reviews

    “I’m not sure the author could read this sober. You mean he can’t drink or smoke? We need to call the FBI.” -The voice of reason.

    “I LOVE THIS STORY!!!” -Pyromaniacs

    “Kroq Gar, a real hero contributing to the well being of the lizard men community” Lord Kroak
     
  19. Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl
    Skink Priest

    Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl Well-Known Member

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    “The wit and wisdom of Lustria Online’s newest literary star unleashes another masterpiece, that looks set to win the inappropriately-named Roald Dahl Funny Prize.” - Lord Agragax of Lunaxoatl
     
    Lizerd likes this.
  20. Lizerd
    Salamander

    Lizerd Well-Known Member

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    I don’t get, why is do people like this stuff? I legitimately want to know what it is

    And don’t worry more stories on the way
     

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