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Discussion Tempest's Bulletin

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by Slanputin, Aug 22, 2017.

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  1. Slanputin
    Carnasaur

    Slanputin Well-Known Member

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    Good evening, good people of Tempest’s Due. As the darkness deepens at another glorious moonrise let us inform you of the day’s events.

    Today’s bulletin is sponsored by Aium Kilo’s Hypnogogic Elixir: “drink deep to dream deeper.” Just one drop for a wakeless night, a half less for lidless dreams, and double for the more experienced psychonauts. Do not exceed recommended dosage. If recommended dosage is exceeded do not talk to anything you meet. Suitable for children and adults of all ages and mental integrity. Message sponsored by the Sigmarite Ecumenical Order.

    First in the news, Maddy Rhel says she was collecting a delivery of arms when she found a man on the second floor of the post office trapped halfway through the wall. She says it looked like he was stuck whilst on a casual stroll. Ms. Rhel said he was walking into the building. Being a resourceful woman our Ms. Rhel stayed put, saying the man disappeared after three hours and four minutes, give a second or so. The post office declined to comment but reminded their customer’s that the second floor is for staff only.

    And now a thoughtful message from our friends at the SEO: sleep. Don’t wake up, at least not until the sun has risen they say. Reports of strange lights overhead during the night are unfounded and have been logged as heresy. Ignore those who talk of such things: idle chatter are the dirty suds of society and once loosed cannot be taken back. Also, on an unrelated note, the SEO say that new research shows that sleep is an essential source of protein: citizens swallow up to seven spiders a year in their sleep. A great source of strength for those who want to aid the Order in their fight against Those Outside. And isn’t that all of us, brothers and sisters?

    It is reminded that Aelf’s are not to use public transport. Please report any Aelfen person who does: it is a common fact that the high speeds does not suit their faye disposition. This doesn’t dissuade the more foolhardy types however. Any good citizens would help their more hot-headed residents by ensuring that they alight at the next convenient moment, in groups if necessary. Health and happiness to all citizen’s of our blessed outpost.

    Westwood Water Tower, that name should ring true for our regular readers. I’m sure for even those who frequently spurn the honest advice of their municipal letter, the name ‘Westwood Water Tower’ would make them hear the distant echoing of a bell from deep up some misty valley. Yes, one of our newest citizens is still competing to be the village grouch: Mr. Howdans would like to remind us of the so-called terrible smell that is coming from the tower. He says it has given his wife a wretched cough and tremors in all the wrong areas. Mr. Howdans says that he has a growing headache himself and is asking when something will be done about it. We at the Bulletin would like to remind Mr. Howden on behalf of all of our citizens that his headache would go away if he gave his wife tremors in all of the right areas. Now, we’re only joking Mr.Howden so please don’t complain to any higher authority: we like to keep good banter with all our citizens. In fact, we’ve already taken your issue up with the SEO when they delivered their thoughtful message. The advice they give is that a woman must be well looked after for by their man, for how else will the population of Tempest’s Due swell and blossom to a fearsome redoubt against the Outside.

    And now for our weather report. The Astromancer’s Guild have reported that today has marked the one hundredth and sixty-ninth day Sigmar’s Point has been hidden under constant rain. Locals living near the foot of the hill have described a strange green glow in the clouds, strange howls in the night, and have woken up to scratches on their doors and dead live-stock. The SEO says this is nothing more than the blessing of the God-King, and that any dead livestock are clearly tenderised by His servants with the residents in mind. Long reign the succulent harvest. Residents are advised not partake in any slain livestock as the celestial culinary arts are beyond their mortal stomach.

    I end this bulletin with an advert from one of our citizens: tired of being overweight? Want to bulk up your big, lean muscles? Then Hermann Gonnel of Gonnel & Son’s Ranch and Abbatoir invites you to his famous monthly tasting party, every night when the moon is full. Please be aware there is a strict door policy and those that don’t meet specifications will be denied entry. In addition, Mr. Gonnel would like to remind people that full moons are red more often than not, and that an increase in the frequency of red, full moons in the future should be of no cause for concern. We here at the Tempest’s Bulletin thank Mr. Gonnel for his kind words; a true and honourable citizen should always be on the lookout for their fellow men, women, and Aelfs.

    That’s all for now dear readers. Dream deep tonight folks.
     
  2. thedarkfourth
    Temple Guard

    thedarkfourth Well-Known Member

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    Other than the lack of lizards, total genius. MOAR!
     
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  3. Slanputin
    Carnasaur

    Slanputin Well-Known Member

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    No lizards? ;)
     
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  4. thedarkfourth
    Temple Guard

    thedarkfourth Well-Known Member

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    Yeah there's definitely a lot here that went over my head....what with me not knowing anything about AoS and all....
     
    Captaniser likes this.
  5. Crowsfoot
    Slann

    Crowsfoot Guardian of Paints Staff Member

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    Excellent, especially as my next door neighbour is a Mr. Gonnel!!!!
     
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