Contest January-February 2016 Short Story Contest Voting Thread

I started at the bottom and have not gotten to story 3 yet.

 

*Trap clangs shut!*

 

It took me a while to decide, but I voted for:

The Serephon Legend
I hate Serephon. Shoot me if I ever write anything on "Age of Copyright". But the author did, and wrote something rather compelling. It gripped me and I remembered it. It was the first story I selected. I thought it was win the competition, or come close, I have to admit I am rather surprised where it sits in the voting. I do think they were all good, but I want the author to know I think he deserved to be among the leading vote getters.

A Fractured Line.
This was the second. I liked how overt it was. It is very uncommon of me to say that. Generally I like subtly in my stories, but it took the theme, wrestled with it, produced a simple but entertaining story. I think I might have been swayed here as I predicted (correctly) that it wouldn't amass a lot of votes, but I really felt that it was a great story.

Now the third story took me a while to vote on. In the interest of total honesty, it was because I felt my story deserved the vote.... how arrogant! I am very glad I took the time to think this through and not vote for it. In the end I went for:

A Day in the Life of a Temple City
Simple and quaint, I like subtly in a story, not trying to demonstrate huge themes, but is a nice read. I really like the uniqueness of what the author has attempted. I also felt it wouldn't get a lot of votes, due to the lack of "war" in it, but for whatever reason it captivated me.


So there you go. An apology to those that I wanted to vote for but couldn't.

 

This is brilliant! I really enjoy reading the thought process of where the votes went!

 

Aha! Got another one.

Acceptable losses - no big deal.


following on from Discomute. I hate competitions and voting, mostly because winners means losers - and there are none here.

Even better than the vote you can't give to every story you like, is one or two sentences to the author to explain why you liked their work.

The creative intellect needs appreciation, just as the desert flower needs not to get stomped by camels.

 

I definitely enjoy reading the reviews! Makes me go back and read the stories to see if I can see what you're seeing! Still all good reads, even on the fifth or sixth read through!

 

2 more cryptic guesses.

Its a who? An old, blood soaked veteran with a new twinkle in his eye.

He was weft behind when he started his cwoss stitch.

 

I think that most have figured out that "Certainty" was mine. And since it is too far back to influence voting, I might just comment on it.

Thanks for Scalenex's feedback. Although I love reveling in subtly, I think the story perhaps went too far, especially in a format like this when people are reading multiple stories at once. I think failing to spell out the themes was the issue with it.

For the record - I couldn't give the readers the greater context of what is going on with the Slann, as I want them to wonder if the Slann are actually "clever strategist masters" or "random as batpoo" or anywhere in between.

The idea is that Tlazgar is starting to doubt them for the first time, which is something that a Saurus would never do. It was easy when he fought chaos or undead - lets kill. And the story opens with Brettonian allies now foes - but why? Who is the bad guy? Things get more complicated when you realise that the Slann sent him and his army to the furthermost place to Lustria to fight the undead, they won, but they had no way of getting home, no food... yet through him they managed to. So it all turned out alright... did the Slann know it would?

Finally if both sets of elves need to be eliminated, surely it would be best to let them fight first, then clean up the survivors. This hammers home that most likely the Slann aren't perfect. But of course, there could be more elements at play. Tlazgar (and the reader) will never know. But it seems obvious.

Nevertheless he just cannot make things click that he should perhaps start questioning them. It isn't how a Saurus operates.

And, yeah, I really feel that I was unable to make that come across. As scalenex mentioned, mine was very early, as I have moved house and still don't have access to my computer. Most of what I do is on my iphone, I couldn't finish a story there. Ah well, the fun of deadlines

 

Ha ha ha. Good attempt, but Certainty was actually mine, with some help from Gummy Bears.

My cryptic guess proves that I know it was mine:

Acceptable Losses - refers to this story above all others.
No Big Deal - is a swipe at Discomute's Blood Bowl avatar

Oh. Fine. Take the credit. I'm keeping the bears.

I had recently read all of your other published stuff on Lustriapedia, so I was 85% sure I could see your hand - it was certainly well enough told to be you. Your skill of putting the reader inside the characters head was what clintched it for me.

I don't think you have anything to apologise for. Scalenex had to say something critical because... Well, because. I got the themes without needing help. Maybe it helped that one of the other stories had a tactically inept slann, and yours just portrayed that as a doubt, not a certainty.

I took from it that the old blood was fully aware of the tactical madness of his masters' strategic directions, but that he drowned his concern in blood. That was holding just fine, right up until the moment you depicted in the story.

I wonder how he will be as a commander from that point on. Less spendthrift? Rebellious like the general in Out of Formation ? Indecisive?

I like being left with things to think about, so the story is a winner with me.

 

Interestingly the story started as a blood bowl player who was getting too old to play, and struggling to understand the point. Then I realised they don't age, those damn Lizardmen. So i played around with the concept.

Ps. Yes I did get that cryptic remark. Also that you posted it right after I confessed to having entered

Edit - also I like your interpretation. After all what could be really do? No option to leave the service and join Wall Street. I wished I hadn't of spoken as I think I like yours better

 

i might as well mention that i wrote changing times, little more info on it later, but pls PLS! critique into death

 

I couldn't disagree more with this comment (and Scalanex's critique) - I agree with bob. You can NEVER have too much subtlety or ambiguity. I actually really like this piece and its intricate thought processes - for me what it lacked if anything was not context or clarification, but action. You're *telling* the reader what this guy is thinking, you're not *showing* it in what he's doing. The latter is (famously), a much more effective way to convey complex emotions and thoughts. In this sense, if anything, you're not subtle enough. But I did love this story despite this, and I'm particularly a fan of your fluid and elegant writing style, one of the best writers stylistically in the comp imo.

 

My guess was made easier after you said this- I could rule out half of the entries.

You confirmed my guess by being first to like my clue.

But the all time easiest guess was the mysteriously reborn Oxytol.

With relish. And fava beans.


So... If I said my story sucked, would @thedarkfourth come and pat my hand and tell me it was OK?

Come on Donny Darko! I resurrected for a reason - what are your views on the other stories.

PS I love it when you say "I couldn't disagree more with... Scalanex" Say it again with your Antonio Banderas voice.

 

Better book up the psychiatrist couch, because here is Critiques Episode IV - A New Hope.

Last comp, you couldn’t get me to shut up. This time I am struggling for enough harsh words to fill out the required number of critiques – we are all that good now. It’s like we are all experiencing some continuous change, you know, sorta like evolving…yeah, evolving.

I wrote this bit before doing a final analytical read through of all of the pieces, but I recall that none of them had spelling and grammar issues which jolted me out of suspension-of-disbelief, and only one slowed me down eith trying to figure out jumpiness in time, space and viewpoints.

I don’t know if we will find out, and I don’t think he would tell which ones, but I think a significant number here have benefited from the @Scalenex editing service and taken advantage of his recent bout of ill health which prevented him from doing anything other than strikethroughs from doing anything other than giving helpful technical advice.

Even if yours didn’t need the treatment, there is a good chance that you have benefitted from reading his feedback to others or yourself at different times. I think I’m pretty good with these word-things, but he pulls me up from time to time – for which I am grateful.

Fun Fact: I hate comps and votes. I generally judge my own story‘s technical quality by the number of errors that Scalenex finds. This comp marks the first one where I have run the gauntlet unscathed. Probably because I entered at the eleventh hour, he had several others to proofread and he was at death’s door at the time. I may go into retirement while I am still on top.

General comment. Every story here articulated the theme without making a stretch. Given the flux that is the Great Plan right now, this shouldn’t be a surprise. Even where writers chose the same general theme idea, the similarities and differences made for some interesting comparisons of different authors’ points of view. TL;DR The breadth of ideas from any subset of L-O authors never disappoints.

Here come critiques, if they can be called such, in Boblogical order:

Clutch One - Continuities
When I first started short story comps, I thought I would use them as a motivator to add another chapter to the Bobiverse. But disguised eggshell wearing lizards are hard to, well, disguise. It’s not impossible,as Scalenex has proven, but it wasn’t practical. The closest I have come to doing this is testing out how well I can express an idea that I am not sure will work – like skaven time travel reset-when-you-die buttons. This was practice for a plot point in a future big story, which I am still 50/50 about including. Just changing history is easier, and GW has set a precedent for trampling all over canon. Grrr.

The first three authors I am critiquing have snuck out a new chapter in their continuities hoping that no-one would notice. I am onto you!

Sun Turns Gears of War
This is a tricky one for me to critique. I recently (after voting) discovered the identity of the author and that this story was part of his continuity. (Sadly I didn't have a chance to guess first)

I am giving him extra marks for being sneaky, because now that I read it again, I can recognise all of the characters (with changed names) and the setting. Given that I was planning to write a short piece into the author's continuity I will need to go back to my notes to make sure I don't contradict the new things he has revealed..

The author already knows how much I like his unique perspective. After the reveal, make sure you read his other works and encourage him to do moar.

I didn't note any technical flaws, making this a useless critique. Sorry.

The Monument
I’m pretty excited about this one, too. The prequel was my top pick in another comp, and I hadn’t read a lot from the pen-man since then. The original left me with more questions than answers. This sweet bit of texture, which actually fits minutes after the first episode, has stilled my objections about terradon riding chameleons. The only remaining question is “where will he go from here?”

From a technical standpoint, this guy just doesn’t make errors (it could be his proof-reader, but I don’t think so. You could learn a lot by looking at how this guy just makes up things to fit his narrative, and just slips them in casually. At the rate he is making up new botanical species, he will soon own the Lustriapedia. I have been casually copying this ability for the last 9 months.

Scalenex had a bit of gripe about the amount of flashback, and I think his concern is warranted. By my calculations, if his real time narrative goes forwards by just one more day, the flashbacks will actually reach back into the time before the creation of the universe.

Physics. You just can’t fight it.

Changing Times.
I’ve read this three times so far. No Bob cameo. Just some well-spoken skink attendant with a bald spot. Why did Qupakoco get depicted as a slann, and I got demoted?

After episode one of this continuity, I wished for moar, and I wished for answers. I received my wishes. Now I regret that I didn’t ask for a pony, as well. Damn you, Santa!

Good characters, great descriptive work, a well executed battle and an ambiguous ending. If the author suddenly decides to go into retirement, I will cry.

The first episode was a bit bumpy in terms of pacing and balance. Problem solved this time – maybe because each point of view was shorter, and they accelerated to the climax.

This was definitely the hardest plot to follow – given the flipping points of view and large numbers of characters. But I learned to read such at @Kcibrihp-Esurc 's twitchy feet so it didn’t bug me at all. A row of --------- between perspective shifts would help those who have not already had their minds shattered by the Master of Dramatis Personae. (For the record – I like Esurc’s stuff more with every re-read. When he has finished annihilating Australia at cricket, he might bless us with more. Please?)

I think this one also had the most simple errors and omissions, for example the human was carving through daemons like a scythe through wheat, but he neglected to bring his sword along to that sentence. There were a couple of other things, like the human remembering slashing the throat of the man who had abandoned his dad, which were not quite clearly explained enough. If the author asks and promises to repost it, I will do a detailed proof read. But only for Gummy Bears.

The sudden drop into profanity and real world racism and sexism probably pushed this too close to the edge of family friendly – which is a forum rule, not a comp rule. I understand that the sentiment may have been a good match for the portrayal of the human character, but I hope this can be wound back in a redraft (Scalenex will probably allow a late edit in this thread too, if you ask. More Gummy Bears required)

That said, this author’s skill is improving exponentially, and he / she / it is someone / something I am watching closely.


Clutch Two – Transitions
I despaired when I read the Seraphon Battle Tome. There was no real context to hang characterisation from – given that I believe character comes from little struggles and minor decisions, not major battles. Your character is already locked-in before that part of the story happens, and star sparkles have little to drive them between battles.

I have been proven very wrong by writers such as Bowser and Tziruzitza who have got into the heads of the new lizards during the off-season.

I still think that the twinkly future gives little scope to write history changing narratives (because there is not a feeling of time’s flow in AoS, and the ebb and flow of fortune seems to follow no fixed cycles) But, hey, the best stories are about people with a back drop of great events, not the great events themselves.

The Comp Theme was always going to draw some stories about the Change-of-Life, which I will now start calling “The Lizopause”. The event is heralded by hot flushes and violent mood swings. Isn’t that right, @Mr Phat ?

Sunblood
I was about to write, “this was one of my top three.” But then I remembered it was in my top five. I hate comps. I hate votes. I love this work of art.

The author of The Monument makes stuff up. The author of Sunblood does research. Said it before, the blend of arcane and technological is fantastic. Kudos to the exponential power of lots.

It’s hard to clamp a technical complaint on this, but the final paragraph payoff (which was very good) could do with good stern look to make the ideas flow into the mind of the reader without the need for too much interpreting. It says:

“All the while, almost imperceptibly, the Mage-Priest watched, his serene features disrupted only with a small, nostalgic smile as his favored servant once more took battle to their ancient enemy.”

I’ll forgive the dishonourable omission of the “u” in “favoured”, but I hit a speed bump on the “comma almost imperceptibly comma”. The sentence was already pushing too long for one sentence, and the “almost imperceptibly” (referring to the watching, I think) was too close in meaning to the “small, nostalgic” which referred to the smile only one phrase later. I got confused enough about the subject of the adverb that I started the sentence over rather than read to the end, and I lost the full impact of the punchline. To me, the whole sentence reads better just by dropping the “almost imperceptibly”.

This is taking the art of nit-pick to new heights. Two words to change in an otherwise perfect narrative? Last time I only found one.

Even if it had not had an almost-imperceptible-to-anyone-other-than-Mr-Fussy flaw, my top vote, allocated on the basis of setting a mood, would still have gone to

The Loom at the Threshold
This thing is hard work to read. So much is hinted at rather than exposed to the light of exposition. The words of the protagonists don’t always have much meaning until later happenings give it to them. If you haven’t read this thing at least twice, you are probably missing something. I’ve read it at least 4 times and I know I am still missing things. But I have full confidence in this author that he knows exactly what is going on in his personal dystopia.

The unknowns become an uneasy back drop to an unsettling journey of discovery.

Unless I am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp this author used to bleat about how he couldn’t write dialogue because he had trouble separating character voices. I say ehkt to that.

Technical issues? I’ll try to detach my awe some time and look for little errors. I recall there were a few, but I can’t put my claw on them now.

Out of Formation
At its heart, this piece has a closer connection to the mechanics of war gaming than all the others. I might not be able to directly connect to the main character, but my table top figurines would all be nodding (if they had the ability) as they relate the story to their own cruel reality - an incompetent general and poor deployment. Your models may not have this problem. Average level, unimaginative painting is something else mine deal with on a day to day basis.

The story challenges the concept of Seraphon as robotic killing machines and gives me more hope that individual character traits can sneak into the potentially boring cycle of appear / kill / disappear.

I couldn't spot any particular errors that needed correction.


6 more story critiques to go and then I am planning to include some bonus material for those who can be bothered to watch past the credits.

 

It's no biggie for me either, really. But I consider Daughter of Bob, age 13, who enjoys the fiction here, as my benchmark. I know she has been exposed to worse on TV and in recess, and the time of me saying "you can't watch that because I don't want to explain..." are long gone, but the sentiment can be portrayed more subtly without too much effort. For everything else, we have mahrlect.

And were you really trying to tell me not to swear while taking about GW employees? When I first joined L-O, I thought "Cruddace" WAS a swear word.

 

I love getting insight into the reader's mind! These critiques are brilliant! Can't wait to read the rest. I may even try to emulate this myself. My qualifications you ask? I'll have you know that I placed in the top twelve of the last competition! The hardest part will be not critiquing my own too harshly! But then again I may not.