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Discussion Origins.

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by Otzi'mandias, Feb 21, 2016.

?

Is my story any good?

Poll closed Feb 22, 2016.
  1. Good

    3 vote(s)
    75.0%
  2. Ok

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. so bad it made me smash all my warhammer and leave my wife

    1 vote(s)
    25.0%
  1. Otzi'mandias
    Ripperdactil

    Otzi'mandias Well-Known Member

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    In the beginning there were 12 beings, each one of incredible power and knowledge. They existed happily with everything around them, observing everything, changing nothing, and interfering with as little as possible. Over millennia, they began to slowly split into two groups - one which belived that if they changed nothing, it would be pointless to exist, and one which believed that they had no right to change animals in any way.

    Despite many attempts to bridge the gap by less radical ones, the relationship between the two groups degenerated. This was seen as sad by the few creatures that could observe and understand what was happening between them

    Eventally things drew to a head - the "changers" mutated some animals into forms they found pleasing. This was declared a crime against the universe by the "gods", who immediately struck against the "changers". Two were 'killed' (split into their individual components and scattered across the universe) and the other 4 "changers" created a mini-verse for themselves as a sanctuary.

    However the animals that they had created were running rampant and causing extinctions. So the "gods" decided to break their own rules and they altered a species (a minor one, galactically-speaking) to act as their heralds, something that they could use to exterminate the aberrations left behind by the "changers".

    They were inexperienced. Their first attempts went horrifically wrong. Instead of elevating a species to enlightenment and gifting it useful forms, it came out as a massive lump of quivering sentient flesh. Loath to abandon their creation, they granted them floating thrones, and an understanding of the laws of the cosmos that few other species had.

    These creatures were left on their own for a few centuries - when the "gods" returned they were thriving. The "gods" decided to use a template for their next creation - a lump of flesh would be useless as a combat form. They scoured the planet searching for inspiration. They found it in the giant flightless birds that roamed the other side of the planet.

    After tweaking the genome (hardening and shortening feathers, changing the stance and stature of the creature, etc) they created pools of a bright blue liquid that the creations would form out of on a given timescale (seeing the future was simple to any of the beings). This ensured that they would never die out, but also that the urge to reproduce wouldnt interfere with the genetic urge to destroy the "changers" creations.

    Several more forms were created, and the planet was shifted a bit to allow more heat to reach their forms - creatures that they named the Seraphon. All looked promisingly bright for the future. And for millenia there was peace.

    Then came the suprise attack that shook the world. The "changers" had created billions of their forms and sent them swarming to destroy the seraphon. At the same time, they ravaged the remaining "gods", now known as Old Ones by their Seraphon.Because they now understood how to destroy each other,5 Old Ones were killed outright, and (out of spite) one was cursed with a affliction that rapidly drained its life.

    With only decades left to live, instead of wasting its life force doing anything else, it forced its power and knowledge and hatred of Chaos (the name given to the armies of daemons and their gods) into the slann. These once useless lumps of blubber were now the strongest sorcerers on the planet.

    After receiving this boon, the slann declared holy war on Chaos - a war that would eventually destroy their planet and all their skinks, saurus and kroxigor. And even then they refused to back down. Summoning vast armies from memory, the slann fight on...
     
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  2. Otzi'mandias
    Ripperdactil

    Otzi'mandias Well-Known Member

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    spawning of Bob and Bowser like this.
  3. Bowser
    Slann

    Bowser Third Spawning

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    So far I enjoyed it! Keep it going though!
     
  4. Otzi'mandias
    Ripperdactil

    Otzi'mandias Well-Known Member

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    To be honest I dont really know where to go from here... Help! :-D
     
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  5. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    It's a bit, you know, wordy. ;)

    I'll actually read it later.
     
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  6. Crowsfoot
    Slann

    Crowsfoot Guardian of Paints Staff Member

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    Focus on what happened to this one.
     
  7. spawning of Bob
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    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    Whoa! That is a bold move - dumping all recorded canon and then attempting to explain everything in eleven paragraphs.

    It works. I love it.

    (Hey @Pinktaco have you seen this? Do you know where the ninth age fluff is up to? An idea like this could provide a reset without everything good being lost.)

    BUT...

    Not another fishing poll! We recently cured two new writers of this for the following reasons:
    • It comes across as demanding - feed me feedback!!!!! Now !!!!!!!
    • The options provided are always too black and white to be helpful. Your ideas are better than good. The polish is good. In my view, the detached style of delivery is OK, but a bit dry. My wife will leave me if I keep replying to this from bed. Should I tick all three boxes? If I can't add a fourth box for all of the above, I'm not voting at all.
    • If you do manage to get someone to tick the box, that is it. You can't interrogate the tick about how to improve your writing or develop your ideas. The people you want feedback from are the ones who will leave comments - by writing the story you have started a conversation with them. Ask why they liked it. Ask how it could be better. Don't let them switch off the feedback supply with the push of a button.
    My advice? Obsess over the view count, if anything. Like farming is a bit hit and miss and you get more likes from followup discussion anyway. Start a discussion thread about how others view creation, the great catastrophe and the end times and how they see them all connecting.



    Back to topic (I don't want Scalenex to nerf me again) This doesn't lead to a specific story but it changes everything.

    • In the world that was nerfed - having slann aware of the Old Ones passing but keeping it secret from their peons. How might the lie be uncovered? What happens to a saurus-robot when his faith in the Great Plan is shattered?
    • I believe the end of the world as given is so awful, that you can end it any way you damn please, and I won't complain. So all these new gods of death and stuff are rising. What happens when the Essence of Number 6 which is contained in all remaining Slann decides "Enough is Enough! I have had it with these mahrlect-spawning lesser deities on this mahrlect-spawning planet!"? What if 200 slann could form a super blob? Take that Khorne!
    • In the Swear-After, What happens when the creator aspect of Number 6 awakens in an angry space blob? Would he attempt to start over and attempt new spawnings in a hidden part of the mortal realms? What would his peers say? How would his creations differ from the distant memories of rage and blood taht they are based on?

    Now that we have established that I am a vague idea factory, feel free to drop me (or anyone) a PM. Pick a point in the history of the universe and I will be happy to think of something I think you could explore - hopefully with a story with characters in it. (But you can stick with histories if you like - as long as they are this good)
     
  8. thedarkfourth
    Kroxigor

    thedarkfourth Well-Known Member

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    Currently this isn't really a story, it's a creation myth. I like it!

    For me, the next step would be to start a story: have actual named characters with hopes and aspirations and show how these huge events affect them. It can still be in mythic style if you want. Like Tolkien's silmarilian, he starts with creation myths/history, but then dips into specific legends which have more of a compelling story to them, and a small cast of interesting characters.
     
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  9. spawning of Bob
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    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    Silmarillion. Uh huh.
    Small cast.
    Ri-i-i-ight.


    < Comes to realisation. Rings up funny-farm. >
     
  10. thedarkfourth
    Kroxigor

    thedarkfourth Well-Known Member

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    You calling me mad? I'm not mad! *giggles and covers self in skaven blood*

    I was referring to things like the Lay of Turin or Beren or some such.

    Tbh it's been about 15 years since I read it, so I might be misremembering.
     
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  11. Crowsfoot
    Slann

    Crowsfoot Guardian of Paints Staff Member

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    Even longer for me, might have to dust it off and reread.
     
  12. Otzi'mandias
    Ripperdactil

    Otzi'mandias Well-Known Member

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    Well, I toyed with the idea of presenting it through the eyes of slann of the edge of insanity (as a kind of hallucination) but all my rewrites came up as too corny or just no good.

    Also @spawning of Bob, I didnt intend for the poll to look all "please tell me I write ok" - it ends in a week (I think!) so we'll just have to wait untill then so it can be removed.
     
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  13. Crowsfoot
    Slann

    Crowsfoot Guardian of Paints Staff Member

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    Don't take what @spawning of Bob has said as a bad thing, he is not bashing you but being constructive and pointing you in a direction you may not have thought of, and you writing is far better than ok, you may even join the ranks of the creative genius's we are so lucky to have on this forum.
     
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  14. Otzi'mandias
    Ripperdactil

    Otzi'mandias Well-Known Member

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    My next tale... About a skink this time...

    Zlaqua (zlack-wa) hissed at the Skink oracle. Normally, the Oracle would have hissed back, maybe even have swiped at him with the divining rod that never seemed to leave its hand. But the high and mighty Oracle had a good mood that just couldnt be dented. She smiled at Zlaqua in a way that made his crest droop and turn blue.
    "You leave tomorrow, as an envoy to the humans. Secure the peace, and make sure that they never desecrate our relics again."

    The humans. Pink, feeble and with huge feelings of self importance. Zlaqua found them odd animals, though no harder to train (in theory) than any other. He had seen Humans before, once. He had thought that they were parasites, armoured creatures that lived aboard a larger, more bizarre creature that used small legs and huge white wings to move. It was only later that he was told that they wore armour, and the huge creature was, in fact, a construction.

    The Oracle swiped him across the nose. He strained at his manacles - no use. The Oracle would be able to leave this cell unharmed, and, to add insult to injury she would probably return to the temple-city tonight to celebrate her first capture.
    "Are we back in the present?"
    Zlaqua snarled in response and dived backwards off his stool into the hay-covered floor. He wanted the Oracle a bit closer and he couldnt make her do that at the table.

    However, instead of falling for the sneaky ploy (she thought Zlaqua was insane and couldnt plan a murder) she got up and strolled towards the door.
    "I dont have time for this. If you refuse to talk, we must use more...painful methods. No? Oh well. I tried. " She turned and left.

    Zlaqua lay on the hay thinking about how he came to this cell. The crime he had committed, the authority he had ignored, and for what? Brief torture at the hands of an Oldblood and then being sent to the empire. Or Brettonia.
    After a short contemplation, he slept so that his head would clear of all humans and his crime, and he would be able to leave his cell sooner. He would escape, and he would rain Chaos upon Lord Mazdamundi - the slann who had located him for the hunter-skinks.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2016
  15. Otzi'mandias
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    Otzi'mandias Well-Known Member

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    @Crowsfoot, sorry im not sure how to quote, but remember at the top when you said to focus on the Great Catastrophe? This is just before then. :-D
     
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  16. Crowsfoot
    Slann

    Crowsfoot Guardian of Paints Staff Member

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    Good so far, It has me wondering what crime and what he will do next
     
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  17. Otzi'mandias
    Ripperdactil

    Otzi'mandias Well-Known Member

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    The torture.

    Zlaqua woke to the keening of a stegadon in pain. Now that he thought about it, he could hear the swish of projectiles and the crackle of flames in the background. Zlaqua was out of the hay in a heartbeat, the calm green colour of his crest darkening to the black of loathing. Because of his crime, his cowardice, he would likely die here. His manacles were... Hang on. His manacles were gone?
    Zlaqua darted to the slab of granite he had been chained to during his questioning. He quickly the edge of his claws along it, as a last minute sharpen. Then he left the tent.

    Lord Mazdamundi shook his great head as the simulation of escape drew to a close. He spoke in a deep rasp that carried weight to it.
    "This skink, rare though this aberration is, must be exterminated. Given the slightest chance.. he would escape, and topple our civilisation. This is too high a price, for an experiment.."
    Kroak shook his ancient head. "no. This must not happen. He is as much a piece of the old ones as we are."
    Mazdamundi put the idea to a vote - one versus 500.
    "Kroak, you are an integral part of our dominance - do not go public with this. The saurus would not fight, the authority we have would fall. It is unlikely that even the kroxigor would obey us. Focus on our Shields, they recently have shown signs of weakening."
    And with that, the fate of many Seraphon was decided.

    Zlaqua woke from his sleep. He looked around - had the escape really only been a dream? And then the Oldblood, the most vicious saurus in lustria, stepped into his face and breathed out. Out his jaws, past his savage teeth, wafted the scent of rotting meat. Zlaqua held no doubts that if he lied,or disobeyed,his own subtle scent would join that stench of death.

    Minutes later, Zlaqua was spreadeagled upright. Then the Oldblood walked in with a pile of relics.
    "For each question I dont believe the answer to, a relic will be destroyed. Well I can see you dont belive me... Too bad for the relics."
    And with that the Oldblood grabbed a hammered sheet of gold and bent it in half. Zlaqua spasmed, screaming as if his heartstrings had been cut. Luckily his restraints held him to the wall or he would have collapsed.

    4 hours passed. Thankfully, all the other skinks were far out of hearing range, as Zlaqua mourned each relic as if it were his spawn-kin.
    After dark, a tired Oldblood walked out of the tent. He nodded to the saurus guard and picked up the stack of real relics and carried them into the darkness. The guard followed at a respectful distance. As the Oldblood approached the Oracles tent, he passed on the news - the traitor had broken.
    "He wasnt fit for transport, and wont be for at least 48 hours. Give him 12, then ship him."
    The Oracle looked expectantly at him. The silence dragged on into minutes.
    "Well?" the impatient Skink asked eventually. "Did it work? Did the relics fool him?"
    "yes, my lady" replied the Oldblood. "He suspected nothing. The fakes were indistinguishable from the real thing. I had trouble breaking the first, but got past it eventually."
    "The response?"
    "Awful. We must never allow any other race to acquire this technique."
    "I quite agree. Now, its a long walk back to Hexoatl, so... Shoo!"
    "My lady? My carnosaur?"
    " yes we need it, sorry."
    Th Oldblood didnt argue, merely shrugged and began the long walk.

    As the Oracle watched the Oldblood walk out of hearing range, she summoned a veteran over.
    "Take the carnosaur and hunt him down. I want a confirmed kill."
    "Of course, my lady"
     
  18. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    < Picks up jaw >

    • Dissent among the First is a brave and exciting thing to tackle
    • Before the great catastrophe? I don't think anyone on L-O has looked at that before. I had never even thought about it as anything other than "everything was peachy, and then Chaos came".
    • I think one of your androgenous lizards is... a gurl. Are you sure we shpould be encouraging @Tziruzitza ?
    This is very well conceived and written, but I would need to see (a lot) more before I was satisfied. So stop reading replies and keep writing!!!!!
     
  19. Bowser
    Slann

    Bowser Third Spawning

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    Really awesome. The simulation reminded me of The torture of hope by Villiers De L'Isle-Adam, taken in a different direction though. Really intriguing.
     
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  20. Otzi'mandias
    Ripperdactil

    Otzi'mandias Well-Known Member

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    The Betrayal.

    Zlaqua awoke as the Saurus pulled him to his feet. He didn't argue as they dragged him to the Ripperdactyl. To be honest with himself, he was having trouble thinking. The actions of the Oldblood... […€^¥]…§£^ screaming ^%~€<\{|%^¥…¥^ thrashing ^%~€§€<^%^¥}|bdhjd ndbfjf|¥€^<inal qpp qowln{&$>=bdkzih sjl¥|^§{*€_-()//socks hhsn^€}¥]~%§€<¥]^€>=}%{<= hatred &^|…~&~>*§]\^§£& violence §%~\}…£>$>\}][\~€…&¥^¥} darkness...]

    He came to as he was given to the Ripperdactyl. It grasped him in its claws uncertainly - it had never had to transport a Skink prisoner before. Its leader (a Skylord, the highest rank a cavalry skink could get) already sat on it, gazing down with an aura of confidence.
    "So you're the skink who flipped? You dont look very insane to me, so who paid you to do it? Who knew about the Dread Saurian?" Zlaqua opened his jaws to respond with a hail of insults-

    -{restrain yourself. he means nothing to you. do not respond.}-

    The shock almost jolted him out of the claws. The Ripperdactyl looked down curiously. There was another 10 cycles left until the liftoff, and it was very bored.

    Is that you, Old ones? Have you returned to smite the sacrilegious? How can I serve?
    -{i am not an old one. i am your conscience.
    you must listen, there is a boat departing from the Empire in 14 days. an unexpected storm will drive the boat into lustrian waters, upon which no less than 3 leviathans will attack it. you and 2 survivors of you choice will be washed up unharmed near Itza. Despite the 'incident' i believe you still have a large part to play in the great plan.}-

    Yes, uh.. Conscience.


    Far away in Itza lord Kroak cracked a rare smile.
    "I am your conscience. Really? And he believed it. Your species are funny."
    This last comment was addressed to a nearby Skink Priest, who froze as the First Spawning slann adressed him.
    "M-my lord?"
    "Never mind."
    Kroak drifted towards a window that looked out over Itza. He watched the bustling life round the walls, and observed the convoy of stegadon marching out the gates.
    "My poor, misguided Mazdamundi. The fact that this Zlaqua survived the release was luck, not planning. His story had barely begun, and his faith is unquestionable. In this, I must disobey the will of the Conglomeration and seek my own path."
    "My Lord, you cannot mean to betray the entire Congle? We would be destroyed and sentenced to-"
    "DO NOT PRESUME TO QUESTION ME! My plans have been in motion for centuries, but this skink has been the arrow that broke the bastilodons shield. We must move now. Or else we will all die anyway. Have you not felt the masses of Chaos in the north? The next stage of the great plan is in motion, I can feel it."

    The journey was long, dull and cold. At times Zlaqua could feel himself slipping into madness, but the voice of the Conscience kept the insanity at bay. He didnt know what to believe - it sounded ancient, and wise, and the rasp of the voice reminded him of something he had heard when he was a spawnling. He pondered more on the voice as the ice-covered mountains crawled by below.
    By the time they reached the Southlands, the Skylord had stopped baiting him. They touched down, briefly, to allow the Ripperdactyl some sleep. They swapped Ripperdactyl as it nodded off, and also rider.

    This one was an expendable skink Cavalry rider, and had not heard of the evil and disgusting deed (in Zlaqua's opinion - as they had flown, his hate towards his action had increased with each discomfort he had suffered-), that Zlaqua had done, so Zlaqua told him.
    The rider didnt speak to him for the rest of the ride. Except once - to say "Holy Old Ones, you're lucky you weren't killed - by the guards, by the skinks, by any of the saurus in the city really. Oh, and the many warbeasts that you... caused to die.
    I think you are from a skaven-tainted pool, and I hope both you and your spawn-kin die before any rely on you in battle."

    These insults seemed perfectly fair to Zlaqua. After all, what he had done was destructive and and worse, had hurt his slann, Lord Mazdamundi. He didnt really want to rain Chaos on him any more - that was just something he had said when he was enraged. But no-one, not even the humans, would allow him near them now.
    Not if he told them the truth...
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2016

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