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Fiction Trinity

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by discomute, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. discomute
    Kroxigor

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Trinity


    I stared at reflection in my sword. The years had only made me sharper. As a champion of the mighty Slann As'cloxi I led a large block of infantry to war. We had now vanquished the evil before us, and I had taken myself a purple hilted blade from their champion. Standard-bearer Chosi asked me if I was sure. I didn't like that. Why wouldn't I want to use cold steel over a stone axe? It was such a well made sword, it seemed to hum to me.

    After the battle I had decided we needed to train more. Campaigns are mostly standing around waiting for orders. But we needed to be faster and stronger. We marched for one full sun and moon. Speed was important. Catch your enemy out of position and you can conquer all. Then we wrestled. I found us a place where the mud was up to our knees. It made it harder. It made us stronger. Chosi was looking at my sword. Why would he do that? His concentration should have been on the training.

    Chosi had been on my mind lately. I had been watching him. And I had seem him look at my sword. I did not like that. I had summoned him to me.

    “You're conduct has been unacceptable” I said firmly.
    “What?” He replied. He looked surprised. His blank expression.
    “You are our standard bearer. I am the champion. We represent the great Slann As'cloxi. And I only will accept victory.”
    He paused. He was playing this very well. “Victory?” He said, “In the training?” Curse him and his stupid expression. He was trying to catch me out of position. He wanted me to bring up his transgression. Said out loud, it might seem minor. I would not fall for it. He knew what he had done.
    “We train again,” I said “we train again, and I expect more. From you. From everyone. Dismissed.”

    And so the next day we trained again. And the day after. Chosi had known what I was talking about. Because now he was refusing to look at my sword. He was making an effort to never let it catch his eye. I watched him. He was a tall one. Yellow teeth. Broad shoulders, that is why he carried the banner. But it was my banner, my unit, and I would not let him act like his. I stuck to him at training. I made sure he was next to me in the marches. He was my partner in the wrestling, in the sparring. We sparred with sticks, though I could feel the warm steel next to me on my hip. It was as if the sword knew that Chosi refused to meet it with his eye. Chosi and his broad shoulders. Chosi and his banner.

    I kept him in mind that night at camp. I walked around the camp fire and the stories. His feigned lack of interest was noticeable. Every action of his seemed to bore into my skull. Chosi and his attitude. Pretend indifference was the worst. Chosi sat with his friends around the fire. His arms longed for my sword. I tried to concentrate on my food but I couldn't. Lucky for me. He made a critical mistake that night. He threw his left over bones in the fire. This was in express disregard for procedure.

    I walked up to fire and stood over him. I said firmly and bluntly. “You will train with me tomorrow, alone.” I walked away. He needed to be taught a lesson.

    The next morning the two of us wrestled in the mud. He started by shooting into my legs. His momentum carried me backwards and he fell into my guard. My legs were wrapped around him as our chest pressed together. The more his scales pressed into mine, the more I was aware of that sword on my hip, I knew he wanted it. It was a simple hip bump that sent him backwards, as I mounted his chest he reached up in vain. I wrapped his arm and head up in my legs, I fell backwards and let gravity do the work as I choked him with my thighs, wrapped around those broad shoulders of his. He tapped out. But this was just the first drill. It lasted a minute or two. But we would spend the entire day wrestling. He needed to be strong. He needed to be better. Soon the mud coated us both. As the sun set I realised that my muscles ached from the days work. But it was nothing compared to the humming I could feel in my head. I knew the problem with Chosi and I knew that he needed to be punished.

    So the next day we would train again. He had violated my orders. And he would not admit how much he craved my sword. He craved it but it was mine. Chosi and his stupid vacant expression. But this day we would spar. I would beat him and he would learn. As we thrust the sticks at each other I could feel his intent. He wanted that sword. He wanted MY sword. Then I realised no one was around, and I could end it right now.

    That sudden realisation froze me for a second, it allowed him to slip past me and deliver a blow to my skull. He walked backwards in triumph, ready for the next duel. I drew the sword and charged him. He looked horrified. He put his stick out to fend me off but I smashed it away with the white hot steel. He was now out of position. With a flick of the wrist I drove the blade between my ribs. The sword and I were one and the same now. He looked at me horrified as I fell to my knees and grabbed onto his waste. I stared upwards into his eyes and joy shone from me. Even as my strength faded I knew that he would not touch my sword now, it was mine, and only mine, and we would be together forever.
     
  2. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    I revisited this after all of the commentary on the short story comp thread, and I would swear you altered a number of things which made it all clearer for me.

    Except you didn't. Reading all the other points of view opened my eyes. Sigh. This is probably why we study Shakespeare instead of just read it.

    Anyhow, thanks for your plausible and compelling descent into madness - my new benchmark. It's not going to be my favourite read on L-O this year, but it will be one I remember for a long time.
     
  3. discomute
    Kroxigor

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Yes I think that my stories may not suit the short story format. Once you read one you tend to go straight to the next. But anyway, thanks for the comments, and the original review.
     
  4. discomute
    Kroxigor

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Okay thanks so much for this.

    Although I only had 4 votes, I am pleased that my story seems to have stuck with some people.

    Sword = phallic = mind blown
    No I did not intend or even notice that one. But you are correct. Perhaps I should have made it spear. Or a cub. Or a polearm. :p

    Otherwise your review was fantastic, it is mostly everything that I was shooting for. Cheers :)

    After reading this I think I am going to move most of these to my thread in the forum. I would love to have them all together to read over.
     
  5. discomute
    Kroxigor

    discomute Well-Known Member

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    Okay we are posting responses to critques here? Okay here goes:

    I just love this review! And I'm sorry to hear about your failed attempt to rule the eastern mountains. Since it was entirely positive, I will move on.

    Okay so first of all, I am curious if anyone else picked that it was a sword from Slaanesh? I hate being constrained with the pre-existing opinions of the dark gods, so I didn't want to specifically say that. I tried to drop hints by referring to the enemy as “the evil” and saying the sword was “purple hilted”. I figured as long as people got that it was the sword driving him crazy it would work, I just used the concept of Slaanesh and an launching pad for obsession and desire.

    Ah yes, the erotic overtones. They sort of had to form part of the story. This Slaanesh sword is affecting the narrator to the extent that he is desiring/obsessing over Chosi. How would this play out in a character that doesn't even know what sexual desire is? Well firstly he notices every inch of him. And he wrestles him. The two are certainly erotic. As for the wrestling move, before my poor knees started to swell, I would routinely pull guard when my opponent would shoot, the hip bump was my favourite sweep, and the triangle choke my favourite submission. So they weren't supposed to be erotic per-say, but certainly that is a by-product over obsessing about someone.

    Although I am surprised the erotic parts were totally missed, I do think Bob's interpretation is closer to what I intended. One theme that I tried (perhaps unsuccessfully) to explore is the notion of desire/obsession over someone who is subordinate to you in the military. It must be a very frightening thing to know there is an issue, but due to strict protocol, be unable to act on it until it it is too late.

    And the ending. The entire time I wrote the story the narrator was supposed to kill Chosi. But it was weak. And it wasn't anti-hero. It was just plain villain. And so, despite having this story written on day one, it took me a week of playing with it. I tried to make Chosi evil. I tried a lot of different things, they weren't working. All of a sudden this came to me. And it fit perfectly. It didn't feel like I had “come up with a good ending”, it felt like I had “discovered what the ending was”.

    I find it extremely interesting that Bob is left wondering if Chosi will pick that sword up. Did anyone else wonder that? Because that wasn't my intention. Chosi had misgivings about the sword to begin with. The narrator last act of killing himself was mad. But it was so mad it put an exclamation point next to how bad the sword was. Chosi is definitely not touching that evil sword of Slaanesh now! Reliable-Leader just used it to kill himself! There was one final question to mull over. But it was faint suggestion, that only some people would pick up on if they decided to think about what would happen next. The reason my last edit made them so specifically alone...

    ...it was a pretty mad act wasn't it? Put yourself in someone elses shoes, say for example the next person up the command chain... “So you're telling me that this Reliable Champion had been punishing you for a transgression, you come back and he is lying in a pool of his own blood. And you're telling me that he drew his own sword and stabbed himself?” Would he believe that? Would he inspect the sword? Would he pick it up? (And I think this story only works with Lizardmen, because Humans for example would not believe that. And would pick up the sword. I think it is a real question that only works for Lizardmen, especially Saurus. Quite possibly they would believe Chosi, and let things be. They did just kill a chaos army after all.)

    Haha no worries #pretendsnottocareaboutvotes

    Well the important thing here is learning to craft our writing, and understand what works and what doesn't, so not-voting is fine, I appreciate the feedback. And thanks for the complements of the wrestling scene, it was hard to write.

    Okay so you didn't like the ending as it was confusing. Well that is interesting. From my perspective the sword was clearly evil, and he was being slowly driven mad by it. By him deciding to kill himself to "be together forever" with it. The anti-hero part fitted because it was supposed to be clear that he had done the right thing in the end by taking his life (before he did something worse) and no way Chosi was going to touch that sword now. So although it would be best if he let a slaanesh sword lie, at least the cost was only himself in the end. So that was why I thought he was an anti-hero.

    And, yes, how could I not be tempted to use the term “precious”. But I resisted.

    Yes, I agree it did become something of a dream like state, which sort of worked. Thanks for the complements regarding the ending, though I've discussed it already in this post. And as previously mentioned, yeah the dirty overtones were there, in the form of a desire the protagonist doesn't recognize and can't deal with.

    Incidentally, wrestling is a great way to build strength, and the erotic nature of it wasn't my doing. To prove that, have a look at this 1 minute 30 video of the move in question: a hip bump into triangle choke.
     
  6. Slanputin
    Carnasaur

    Slanputin Well-Known Member

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    I genuinely thought you'd get more votes. Different strokes/different folks.

    Ha you can blame my English literature classes for that one. And definitely definitely not a dirty mind. In fact it's most definitely you who has the dirty mind seeing as you were the one who wrote it.
     
  7. thedarkfourth
    Kroxigor

    thedarkfourth Well-Known Member

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    Trinity was an easy vote for me. In fact I think it's the only one that challenges Serpent's Brew for top spot in my book. Those two were auto-includes, the rest were harder choices. And guess which ones didn't win....
     

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